#34 This Christmas

It felt strange watching my cousin cry. I had never seen it before. For all the years that I have known him, I had never seen him openly show so much love and affection to his mother like this, now that she was dying. He stroked her cheeks, talking to her, trying to explain to her that we were there to visit.

Just weeks earlier, I had stood by my aunts side watching her cry as she lamented to my father about how she couldn’t use her left hand anymore. Now she couldn’t walk, talk or eat. The cancer in her brain had done its worst in the last few weeks.

A few feet away, sat my wife heavily pregnant with our son. It’s just a matter of weeks before she’s due for labor. My cousin tells me it’d be a great achievement if my aunt could even make it to the New Year. He and his brother have made all the necessary funeral arrangements the weekend before. The same weekend I was busy setting up the baby cot in my room.

My father stayed silent the entire time. He had talked for many weeks about wanting to visit my aunt. But he never did until now. He said his feet and heart were heavy. He said it was hard for him to take what was going on around him. The last time we visited her, he wept silently in the back seat of the car. I made a remark to him - he seemed a lot sadder this time compared to when my grandmother was dying. Perhaps more than my aunts’ life, he was thinking about his own. He had been a very pensive mood of late. Just because we are all destined to die doesn’t make it any easier to take.

I had spent the previous Sunday night talking to my mother for hours. I found out that she too was fearful for her life. She said she wanted to live well past her sixties, but the medication we were making her to take was killing her – so she claims. She wants to move away, live on her own, get a job if possible and taper off her medicine. Her children could not be trusted to take care of her she felt. It hurt a lot to hear those words. Even if I didn’t agree with it, I had to respect that this is how she felt. And so I kept my silence.

After the visit, my brother came up to me and said “I’ve always been very bad at these things…I can never find the right things to say”.

I said to him “I don’t think there ever is a right thing to say in such times. I think being there itself speaks for itself.”

It is very likely that the next time I see my aunt, she will be laying not on a bed but in a coffin.

If that sounds awfully harsh and blunt, it is only because death is like that too. It comes when and how it chooses to. Sometimes slowly like a tree withering away, sometimes abruptly like a trap door under you. Either way, it comes, and there is no refusing.

It’s days away from Christmas. Churches gear up for celebrations, families prepare hearty dinners and people exchange gifts with one another enthusiastically. I find myself in a cocktail of feelings. Sad over the ending of one life, and happy over the start of another. And the rest of us, squarely in between.

Thank you God for the gift of Christmas. It Christ we have mercy unsurpassed, hope everlasting, love supreme. May the world be reminded of this on Christmas day.

Merry Christmas everyone.

#33 A Prayer

Father God,

Please help me. Save me from my sins.  Too many days have I woke up, feeling like I'm running against the wind. Too many days have I woke up knowing how powerless I am against my own body. Too many days have I done the things I don't want to do - yet cannot help but do. I am a slave to my own body. I am a slave to my own heart. Free me God from my chains. Change my heart and give me a new one - one that obeys when I command it. 

And if you will not grant that to me Lord, then lead me away, far away from temptations for which I am powerless to resist. If my heart cannot obey, then grant my feet a mind of its own - that it may flee away from evil and into your arms, even as the body resist. 

The more I try to take control, the more out of control I become. Take control oh Lord. Control me and steer me away from the path of destruction. The more this world gives me, the less I desire You. Take it all away Lord, if you so desire. Take it away if by doing so I can be saved. I do not deserve half the things you have blessed me with in this life.

Forgive me God. Have mercy on me and my family. Punish them not for my sins. Protect them from the evils of this world and the evil that resides in me. Do not withhold your grace or blessings from them because of my transgressions. 

Only you have to power and grace to forgive. Answer my prayer oh Lord. Glory be to you Almighty. 

In Jesus Christ I pray - Amen

#32 Impending Fatherhood

I have been asked many times if the reality of impending fatherhood has finally set in for me.

I suppose it has in some ways, but also not quite in others.

My life isn't really THAT different today compared to when we first heard the good news. I go to work at the same time, I come home the same time, I do the same things, I visit the same places and I see the same people. The only real difference is the occasional visit the the doctors, and of course the constant reminders from other people about all the things I need to do for the coming of the baby.

I know in my head that fatherhood is coming, but as my wife pointed out - the full reality of it probably won't sink in until I'm holding the baby in my arms. I learned somewhere that when a father holds his baby for the very first time, he unconsciously but instinctively looks for features of the child that resembles him. A very primitive way for a father to verify that it is indeed his offspring. Moms don't do this because, well.... it freaking came out of her belly so of course it's hers.

But there have been a few moments where things really sink in, where I felt my heart soften and become overwhelmed with a sense of warmth and expectation.

One of it was when I went for the first ultrasound examination when the baby was just 8 weeks old. Of course I had no idea what I was staring at on the screen, but as the doctor finally started to point out the heart - I felt it. I starred in silence and awe at that tiny little heart, not even the size of a peanut - and it was beating. It was alive and it was part of me. Over the next few months, I continued feeling awestruck every time I looked at the ultrasound screen, watching the baby grow bigger and bigger at amazing rate.

Then one day while I was still overseas, I got a text from my wife "I felt the baby kick today. So cute. I think he misses you too.. :) " At that moment too - I felt it. I'm pretty sure the baby didn't really miss me. But it was a sweet thought from her, and a notion I was more than happy to accept.

Am I ready to be a father? Can't say I am. I guess I'll get there eventually. I do have 4 more months to prepare!

Cheers!

#31 When Sin Lets Us Alone

When sin lets us alone we may let sin alone; but as sin is never less quiet than when it seems to be most quiet, and its waters are for the most part deep when they are still, so ought our contrivances against it to be vigorous at all times and in all. - John Owen

#30 Where It Comes From

"The nature of the Christian life is not believe once and then thats it forever, but leaning on Jesus's promise every day."

I constantly feel the need to remind myself of that. The bank statements say the money is mine, the cheque says my salary comes from the boss. The trust funds say the profit comes from the economy. It's so easy to forget that everything that we did, do and ever will acquire on this earth comes from God.

Almost on a monthly basis, I find myself staring at bank statements, bills and expenses for which everything in my bank account won't seem to be able to cover. I grow desperate and weary. Money woes never seem to end no matter how much you earn. And yet somehow, somehow, it has always been enough. We always tide through.

Its God's way of teaching us on how to live on his grace. The people of Israel lived in the desert for 40 years, relying on manna they collected on a daily basis. Any excess mana uneaten for the day would rot by night. No stocking was possible. God was teaching his people to trust Him with their lives and their needs daily. When Elijah stayed with the widow during the 3 year draught, the promise was that the jar of flour and jug of oil will not go empty, not that it would overflow with abundance. After all, it is in Man's tendency to forget God when blessings are abundant.

We live in a world glorifying the self made millionnaires, the people who overcame overwhelming odds out of sheer will and determination. We respect and idolize people who fly high, who make things happen, who leads and inspire others. And yet the first lesson of the Sermon on the Mount was "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." The way we measure people isnt the way God measures people.

In my own life, I often forget that though God did promise us abundance and comfort when following him, abundance and comfort isn't really.the main thing at all. God gives when giving glorifies Him. Those blessed abundantly are supposed to pay it forward - bless others in His name so that Gods name is glorified. But God takes away when taking away glorifies Him. So that people can be amazed at Christians who go through hell on earth and still sing It Is Well With My Soul, that the most broken people still find comfort in their God and sing praises to his name.

The thing is, though we may all agree that both giving and taking away is Gods way of bringing glory to Him, nobody wants the latter. Nobody prays "Oh God, impoverish me and make my life hard..... " Even Jesus himself at Gethsemane prayed for for the cup to pass him, if possible. We all dread pain. God himself, manifested as man through Christ understood this well enough. And yet, the last line "yet not as I will, but as You will." makes all the difference.

Regardless of how we feel, we are always to pray for God's will to be done, not ours. And if God's will means he takes things away from us, it is something we must train our heart to obey.

See, unlike the world that wants and celebrates champions in their own right, God wants and celebrates the meek and downtrodden who learn how to live on His grace, Jehovah Jireh.

God will provide.

#29 Why So Hardcore Malaysia?

I don't know if you've heard about the whole Alvivi affair, on how they posted a picture of them wishing Muslims to break fast with Bak Kut Teh, full with the words "Wangi, Enak, Menyelerekan" and Halal logo next to it. No doubt it was probably meant as a joke. But it was perhaps a joke gone too far. Now, Alvin and Vivian are sitting in prison (having been denied bail) and awaiting trial in August. If found guilty, the face up to 15 years in jail. Can you imagine - 15 years in jail for a bad joke. Not so funny eh?

Popular sentiment seems to be that they deserve it. It's one thing for you to post sex pictures of yourself on the internet. But it's another to mock other people's beliefs.  Far from being ignorant and naive, it seems obvious that they knew exactly what they were doing. It was intentional. Do they deserve 15 years? I don't think so. But definitely, some punishment is due. The issue here isn't about freedom of speech. It is about being aware of other people's feelings. You are free to say what you want. But that also means you take responsibility of what you say, including the hurt and damage it causes to others.

But a brief note to the police and government - while you are at it preparing your charges against Alvivi, kindly also haul up and imprison those guys that stomped and threw a cow head into the Hindu temples a few years back too. Because that was no less insulting either. How come they just had to pay a fine? Oh, lets not forgot those guys who threw petrol bombs at churches too. If Alvin and Vivian deserve jail, so do they. In fact, they deserve much harsher punishments compared to Alvivi, because those were public and violent in nature. Furthermore, they were done in groups! Here you have Alvivi - lone ranger duo sitting in jail for a stupid joke they made while those organized group of extremist gets a slap on the wrist for being a naughty boy.

Here's the thing - since when did Malaysians become so hardcore? Why did Alvivi feel it was OK to make such a deliberate insult? Why did those guys feel justified throwing petrol bombs at churches. Why? Did stomping all the cow heads seem OK?

Since when did Malaysians have so little empathy for each other? Muslims the world over got angry at the Prophet Muhammad caricatures a few years ago. Surely they understood how it feels to have something holy to you be insulted. So why insult others in the same way? And Alvivi, surely they knew how sensitive these issues of Halal and Puasa are here in Malaysia. So why make such a joke? If you wanted attention, you sure got it now.

I don't remember Malaysians being this hardcore when I was growing up. It feels as if we have taken many step backwards as a society. I always felt that we were a progressive society. 'Moderate' was the term always thrown around when describing our country. But now, it seems Malaysians aren't as moderate anymore. Think of Bersih 1,2,3,4, the Lynas protest, the black parade. All those who went to the rallies wanted to make a statement. They wanted to be heard. But they felt that the ONLY way it would go through would be by doing something dramatic, something extreme before others will even start to listen them.

That's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Malaysian have forgotten how to listen. We don't know how to empathise with our neighbours any more. We don't feel like others understand us either. And so we feel compelled to make ourselves heard - in whatever way we can think of, like stomping on a cows head, throwing petrol bombs, marching in the thousands and even making inappropriate religious jokes on Facebook.

Alvin and Vivian do deserve punishment. But punishing them will not solve the problem. They aren't the problem. WE ARE. .Because we created them. They are the ugly product of our insensitivity.

In some ways, we are a mini little Arab spring in the making. People shouldn't feel the need to do something crazy just to be heard. Before that happens, we really need to start shutting our mouths a bit more and start listening to one another. How about that for a national reconciliation plan.

#28 Gone

Weeks since my last email to you, months since your last posting, even more months since I last heard from you at all.

I presume - you must be gone.

I guess we never got to say goodbye. But then again, we never got to say hello either. We remained strangers till the very end. I tried googling for you. I tried all sorts of key words, but couldn't find anything. All I have is your anonymous emails, a thumbnail picture of you, and a chat history where you told me your secrets.
Yes, that's how this all started didn't it? You read my secrets. And you invited me to read yours. And we became these two anonymous strangers who shared secrets with one another. You said you prefered the anonymity. You said it made you free to express yourself with no inhibitions. What I didn't tell you was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't get to know you more and more and still be kept at one corner like a stranger. You wanted me to be your anonymous confidant, your online lover, your boyfriend that you'd never meet. For many reasons, I couldn't do it. While it is true at the beginning that all I wanted was a scandal or fling, like I told you later, all I really wanted was to be your friend.

When you told me you were dying, I immediately asked to meet you. You said no. Instead you sent me a picture of you, with your real name. Maybe you thought it would just complicate your life even more. I respected that. But I hope you know, all I really wanted to do was to meet you and talk to you, even if just for a little while in person. I needed to see you in the flesh, so that this virtual friendship, short as it may be, could translate to reality.

Did you worry that I might try to make you fall for me? I wasn't going to. Did you worry that you'd fall for me anyway? You wouldn't have. I could tell that you were still in love with your ex lover. It was one of the things we shared in common after all.

Whatever it was, its over now. Thank you for what you shared with me, for telling me a bit of your life's story - your illness, your father, your lover. It is tragic that kind souls like you lived such short lives. You baffled me with you attachment to you ex, but you amazed me with you bravery in death.

I promised you back then that I'd remember you. Even if it's just a name and a thumbnail picture, I still intend to.

The silent sufferer,
selfless soul,
worry no more,
about the troubles of this world.

#27 Bad Dreams

Maybe I've been too engrossed with work. I had my first 'professional' nightmare last night. I dreamt that business was bad. That competitors came and scooped up orders from under our noses. I dreamt that former colleagues colluded with competitors and sold confidential information. Only these weren't really dreams. They were real life events from office. They were invading me even in my sleep.

I tossed and turned the rest of the night and by the time I woke up, I felt more tired than before I went to sleep.

I remember listening to people talking about how here in Asia, people's whole lives get consumed by their work. I never really thought much about it then. But without even realizing it, I have become the epitome of just that.

#26 Daddy To Be

It was the first time I had ever felt my hands trembling in such a way. I couldn’t be sure if it was out of fear, excitement or anxiety. But I held her hand to mind, leaned my head forward so that our foreheads touched, and we prayed.

“Thank you Lord. Thank you for answering our prayers. Thank you for showing us that you are a God that listens to his people. Thank you for this blessing. Thank you for this child that you have given us…”

I’m about to become a father.

Ever since the day we found out, my other hand has surely but steadily been showing stronger symptoms of pregnancy. We haven’t gone to the doctors for a first consultation yet. Hopefully all we go well. All this uncertainty has been quite nerve wrecking. We went to the bookshop to buy a few books on pregnancy. She picked one book – What To Expect When You are Expecting. It’s comprehensive, detailed and really something all first time mothers should read. Truly a good book. Me? In typical fashion I picked an equally good one – Pregnancy For Dummies. It’s simple, easily digestible, and really something all first time all dummies fathers need to read.

“How do you feel now?” my wife asked me the other day.

“Normal I guess… “ I replied.

“Maybe you’ll feell more anxious when the bump starts to show?” she asked.

As if I wasn’t anxious enough as it is.

I have been anxious lately. Not just about the pregnancy. But also about parenthood. Now that the initial excitement is over, I find myself having to plan for a the arrival of a tiny little human being that will depend on me for the next 18 (or so) years for food, shelter, education and nappy changes.

My thoughts turn to my own parents for guidance. But my father has moved to the Philippines to live his own life, and my mother is sitting in the psychiatric ward.  It does feel like my wife and I are going to have to just wing it.

Will we be good parents? Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this? Will we be able to manage? Will there be enough? Do we know how to teach our children? Will they be sick? Will they inherit any medical problems? I guess I’ll just have to find out over time.

We went to the doctors office a few days after we found out. After a few minutes of chatting, we proceeded to do the ultrasound.

Looking at the monitor, the doctor was describing to us what this little dot and that little dot was. The baby had a heart now, and it was beating. He turned up the volume on the scanner, and for the first time in my life I heard the heartbeat of my own flesh and blood. It was then that reality hit me with all its might.

I’m about to be a father. 

#25 An Admission

I admitted my mother into hospital today.

It broke my heart looking into her eyes - sensing the sense of fear, disappointment and betrayal as she looked silently at me. Maybe she knew it was inevitable. Maybe she hoped we wouldn’t do it. Maybe she trusted that we wouldn’t. But we did. We walked her down the long corridor, up the stairs and into the psychiatric ward – a place she vowed she never ever wanted to come to again.

It can be very hard caring for a mother with schizophrenia. Mental illness is not something most people readily understand like diabetes, cancer or heart diseases. It is an invisible illness that shadows the sufferer and their family at all times. Even when medication is taken and all is normal, the effects of the illness is ever present. The sufferer and their family are acutely aware of it at all times. Side effects from the medication manifest – twitching, restlessness, involuntary movements, inability to concentrate, dullness, inattentiveness – all oddities of behavior to the untrained eyed. But to the sufferer and their families, it is an ever reminder that psychiatric drugs are at work.

My mother was admitted today because she went into a relapse. She had not bathed herself for days. She had not been sleeping well, eating properly or talking normally. She couldn’t hold a proper conversation, had unexplained and erratic mood swings and had severe flight of thoughts. We tried giving her the medication in the doses the doctor recommended, but she started fighting it. At our wits end, we brought her to the doctors. Admission was the most expected outcome.

Driving from the hospital, I said a prayer to God. I prayed that God would protect her, heal her and soften her heart. I understood my mother. I understood why she had been secretly skipping on the medication. She wanted to be well. She believed that she was well. Taking medication and having to deal with the side effects is hard for her, both personally and publicly. Gazes from strangers – even those from church  - can be surprisingly harsh. She believes that she doesn’t really need the doses that the doctor prescribes. If she could only see the state she was in at this moment.

I hope she will forgive me and my brother for what we did today. Though we know and believe what we did was right, and ultimately for her own good, she will probably not feel the same. She would probably be very hurt by what we did, thinking this was our way of just trying to ‘get rid of the problem’ and doing what was most convenient to us. Hopefully one day she would know just how difficult it was for us, or how much it hurt us too. No child enjoys the thought of their mother sitting alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by even more mentally ill patients.

Come home soon ma. Please believe me when I say – we love you. 

#24 Dear PM

Dear Prime Minister,

I'd like to tell you - I voted for you.

No, not for you personally in your constituency. But your constituency candidate where I was part of in GE13.  I did this despite the fact that the Opposition candidate actually seemed more appealing to me. I did this despite the fact that almost every single person I spoke to (including my family) were telling me to do otherwise - saying it was time for change, it was time to show the government that they can't just do what they like without suffering the wrath of the people. I did this despite being confronted with countless examples of corruption and poor governance by the government. Yes, at the risk of being called a fool, I voted for you.

See, unlike everyone else in the demographic group that I belong to, I wanted to give you a chance to make good of all the 'janji ditepati' posters you've been slapping all over town. Most people I know are cynical of your ability or even intention of keeping those promises. They tell me that even if you wanted to make progressive reforms, your party people will never allow it - not with the millions of dollars at stake for them. They say you curry favor and support by splashing money and opportunity at them.

Honestly, I'm sick and tired of all the political coffee shop talk that's been going on the past few months. I'm sick and tired of hearing about phantom Bangladeshi voters, I'm sick of hearing about corruption charges. I'm sick of countless mass rallies calling for 'ubah', touting 'ini kalilah' when in fact, 'kali in sudah lepas'. It seemed like many people my age were supporting opposition simply because all their friends were doing so. To do otherwise would risk being shunned and ridiculed.

It was my feeling that many people were calling for change just for the sake of change. Ubah can.. but ubah to what? Where is your roadmap? Where is you policy and plan? How is it better than the government's? Who is your proposed cabinet line up? It was my deep suspicion that the top leader(s) of the opposition were charismatic smooth talkers more than anything else. Abolish toll? Free education? Great! But they conveniently left out how this was going to be achieved without driving up deficit, how toll companies will have to be compensated to break the contract, how income tax would probably go up if education is fully government funded. I was not given any solid, well grounded, level headed reason for why I should vote opposition. All I got was a lot of rhetoric and hot heads make sweeping statements that basically go "Bloody government corrupt. Steal the people's money for themselves and screwing the country." It felt more like people just wanted to vote against the government, rather than vote for opposition. I understand why people are angry. Public office should be about serving the people, not about money and power. But Malaysian politics have become all about money and power. And you, the BN who have been in power since independence must take responsibility for that.

You must reform the government to be more accountable - no awarding of jobs to your own people, no inside deal on government contracts. You must strengthen public institutions - Election Commission (EC), Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC), Courts and the Media must be given full and genuine autonomy to carry out their roles. You must stop drawing racial lines among the peoples of Malaysia - as peaceful and prosperous as we are, we are still being polarized by race. Why is Utusan putting racial headlines and getting away with it?  My constituency was majority Malay, but the candidate you chose (a Malay) still lost to the opposition candidate, (a Chinese) What Chinese Tsunami? Why not middle class Tsunami? There can be no place for racist policies or practices in government and public office. Long lasting social change comes from top down, not bottom up. If even the government condones racism, then surely the man on the street will never change.

Dear Prime Minister,

I dislike all these street protest and mass rallies going on. I doubt the intentions of the leaders going up on stage preaching to the crowd, telling everybody exactly what they want to hear, all in the name of gaining political mileage. They are like wolf in sheep's clothing to me. But I do not doubt the hundred of thousands of ordinary Malaysians who decide to go to such rallies. I do not doubt the 5.486 million Malaysians who voted opposition. They have a right to exercise their opinion. And they certainly have a right to demand a clean government. You see, I want change just as much as they do. I want justice, transparency and integrity in government just as much as they do. It is what all Malaysians want. The only difference is, they don't think it can come from you. I still hope it can. That is why I voted for you. People tell me I am wrong. People tell me I am naive.

But you now have four years to prove me right.

Please make good use of it.

#23 A Brave Death

Thursday afternoon, I got a call from a friend. My old college mate, Mario was dying. He complained of a headache just a day earlier on Wednesday morning. Made his way to hospital but by afternoon, he was in a coma. Doctors said something about his cancer spreading to his head causing internal brain damage. Chances are, he will not recover. It was just a matter of days.

“ What cancer?” I asked.

“The cancer he’s been battling since early last year.” came the answer.

I was embarrassed. I had not kept abreast with the ongoings of many people I used to know.

“Can you come?” asked my friend.

“Not now. I’m overseas. I will see him as soon as I’m back.”

“Hurry..”

Over the next two days, I thought about just what I could possibly say to Mario, literally on his death bed. It has been at least 4 years since I last saw or spoke to him. I had no idea he went through countless facial reconstruction surgeries last year to remove the cancer on his cheek, or that he couldn’t talk for three months. All I know was that he was one of those cheerful ones. The kind that seemed to carry jokes with him everywhere, spreading laughter as he went. It seemed a cruel twist of fate to mute such a person.

The plan was to visit him on Saturday. But by Friday night, I still had no idea what I was going to say to him. But it didn’t really matter in the end. Mario died on a Friday afternoon before I ever had the chance to see him.

On his Facebook wall, the endless post of encouragement and support gradually turned into words of condolences.  An hour later as I was driving home, a text message came in.

“Mario passed away.” said my friend.

“I know.”

“His funeral is tomorrow night. Shall we go together?” said my friend.

“OK… See you then.”

Over the next two days, as I went through the details of the last years of his life and death, I realize that there was so much more to this man than I ever know from college.

I learned of his great courage in facing this rare but fierce cancer that hand literally consumed his life overnight. Even as he was going through chemotherapy, he refused to give in to sadness, insisting that having cancer doesn’t mean you stop laughing. His mother told him to pray to the Goddess Guan Yin to heal him, but he refused. He said that if he prayed and Guan Yin healed him, it would not be fair to others who deserved it more. He would not ask for intervention from God if this was his fate.

“He is no longer in pain. My son is in a better place now.” said Mario’s mother with a smile on her face at the funeral . I had never seen a mother grieving for her son with so much peace and acceptance in her eyes.  I guess Mario inherited his courage from his mother.

He was my age, born just 2 weeks before me. And yet here he was, lying in a wooden coffin. It felt surreal staring down on him through the coffin glass. The embalmers did such a good job that if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was just in some deep sleep. I stared at his face, half expecting him to suddenly open his eyes to give me one of his trademark grins I often saw in college. But he was most assuredly gone. It was the reason we were all there in the first place. Silly me.

We sat around and watched as the priest burned paper money, paper houses, paper cars and a myriad of appliances, as offering to Mario in his afterlife. A friend joked that we should burn a few mobile phones too. He was always a gadget geek. Mario would have appreciated it. I nodded with a smile. On the day he died, Mario left behind his parents, his two younger sisters and dozens of friends who would forever miss his jokes and banter.

It amazed me to listen to what people had to say about him after his passing. I was reminded again that ultimately at the point of your death, you will be loved and missed not for your abilities or achievements, but for the love and joy you impart to those you come in contact with in your life. In death, I also found new respect for him. He had faced death with a kind of dignity and courage that I can only hope I will have when my day comes.

The service ended around half past ten. We said our goodbyes to each other and one last goodbye to Mario. I headed home and hugged my wife, just a little tighter, just a litter longer that night.

May God’s grace and mercy descend upon you. Rest in peace Mario.

#22 Making Babies

I listened to a very personal sharing from a rather prominent local activist, not about his professional life, but about him and his wife's personal struggle in trying to have children. Here it is. 

http://www.bfm.my/couple-struggle-fertility-treatments.html

It really got to me I must admit. My wife and I have been trying intently for more than a year now with no success. Many things shared sounded so familiar to me, especially about how every single month the one thing you both dread to see is 'aunt flow' (or the period) coming.

It's been a taxing exercise, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to explain the anxiety that comes with this struggle. Just like him, we have tried different avenues. Chinese sensei consultations, medical consultations and even minor surgery (a laparoscopy if you want to get technical) all in the name of wanting a baby. Every single month, both of us are acutely aware of what day of the single she is. She checks her temperature every day and wait for tell tale signs from her body. I spend half my time trying to schedule outstation trips and meetings around 'the right time of the month' to be home. Sex is pleasurable we all can agree. But  when you are trying for baby intently and purposefully, you almost feel like you are on a mission to Mars. There are checklist, there are conditions and there is timing to be met. A lot like how Mr. Nagayam says it, you eventually become an almost-expert on the issue of infertility. 

A lot of well-intended people have offered advice. First they said the woman must be relaxed and stress free. So we agreed for the to quite her job. They said go on a holiday and you'll come back pregnant. So we went, several times. No good news. Then they said the man needs to be relaxed too, otherwise there is 'poor motility'. So I (try) to relax more. No good news. Chinese medicine doctors told her no cold stuff, no white vegetables, no coconut milk, no melons, no lifting your arms above your head, no strenuous activities (including exercise). Medical doctors said nothings wrong except, wait, what is this? Oh, one of your tubes is blocked. Don’t know why, don’t how, don't recommend to fix it either. Just try longer. Start thinking of IUI or IVF if you can’t wait anymore.

It doesn't help that everyone else is getting married later and having babies sooner, as if making a baby was as simple as 1,2,3. It's not a competition, but it certainly causes more self doubt and anxiety to manifest. How come others conceive so easily? Almost effortlessly it seems. Why can't we be like that?

And so you go home thinking it over. How hard do you try? How far do you go? How long do you wait? Whose word do you take? In times like this, you do wish you have someone you can talk to about these things.

But it is not something we freely share with people around us. In fact, only people closest and dearest to us know (or bother to ask) about what really is going on. It's a sensitive topic. It's hard to look at someone in the eye and say "We want but we can't." Its a heavy questions with a heavy answer. Not everyone wants to deal with that on their little Saturday night.  

But we have tried taking it in our stride. In fact, we both realize that it in fact an exercise of faith. Understanding faith means understanding that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. That no matter how hard you pray sometimes, God’s answer isn’t always yes. That whatever plans you thought you have for your life, you really need to learn to give them up and submit to His will, whatever that might be.  

A lot of times, I forget this. With all the options money buy, and how far medical science can take you, it’s easy to forget that the miracle of life comes not by paying doctors with test tubes, but by submitting to God, the source and sustainer of all life.

Where do we go from here? How long do we try? How far do we go with these medical options? Honestly, I don’t know. I search my heart and still cannot find an answer. I know my wife’s heart aches every time she looks at other families with young children. Although I try convincing my wife that we don’t really need children to be happy, Even I find myself smiling down on little children wishing they were mine.

Maybe those paternal instincts are finally starting to kick in.

                                                                                                                                               

#21 GE13

So it’s finally here. The 13^th General Elections for Malaysia. Within the next 60 day, candidates will be chosen, campaigning will commence and at the end, a new government will be chosen. Or not.

It is probably one of the most anticipated elections in the short history of this country. Heck, I found out about it first from a Singaporean who called me immediately after he found out. Just goes to show how hotly anticipated it has been.

I remember posting about politics just a few weeks ago.

In the last election headed by Tun Abdullah the government won but only barely. 5 local states were won by the opposition and Government failed to win the two thirds majority in Parliament. In the one before that, also headed by Tun Abdullah the government won in a landslide. In fact, the biggest landslide it had ever won by. People said it was mostly from the feel good factor after Tun Mahathir retired. In the one before that (bare with me ok), we saw one of the most highly charged elections, with the Asian financial crisis looming large,  Anwar Ibrahim freshly thrown out of his No. 2 seat straight into jail and the Reformasi movement at its peak.

This time, we have Najib heading the Government into elections for the first time. You can definitely tell that things are different today that how it was in all the past elections.

 The government isn’t as popular as they used to be, that’s a given. They don’t have an iron grip on the propaganda battle field like they used to. Independent news portals, blogs and easily accessible international media reports have meant that voters of today have more sources and more sides to the same story to consider than they did in the past.

This has obviously not worked to the governments benefit given that most independent news sources seem to be pro-opposition despite their claims of neutrality. People believe unverified negative reports more readily than they do verified positive facts. Scandals, conspiracies and drama also make for a more interesting reads than boring economic and job statistics. I guess the Opposition has been much more effective in using these than the government. Not that the government was just going to take it without a fight. The last few months have seen a slew of sex scandals, corruption charges being made against opposition leaders too. It became a tit-for-tat mudslinging battle even before parliament was ever dissolved.

In some sense, this is good for the people. Mature democracies like the US rely on allegedly free and independent press to keep their politicians in check. One can always argue that there is no such thing as a truly free and independent press, but that’s for another post. At least with the presence of a ‘free-er’ press, politicians will try to keep their records as clean as possible, or cover their tracks better. Assuming that politicians chose the former over the latter, it raises the bar for political integrity in the country. If they chose the latter... well.. that's why we have jails right? In an ideal world, in trying to be the better candidate, politicians should be more concerned about keeping their record clean, rather than slinging mud at each other’s face. 

In other sense, it can also works against us. Freedom is always a double edge sword. A more vocal and free media also means that everyone and anyone has the freedom to say whatever they want, even if they are not true. Sure we're all entitled to have an opinion. But just because you have one, doesn't make it a good or valid one. Disgruntled people used to complain that a restricted media meant that we listened to lies from one party, the Government all the time. Well, a free-er media probably means we will now have to listen to 

 The burden falls back to us, the voters. It is up to us to try and sieve through all the lies, deceit and false allegations made by both sides and determine which is the better one. Or at least chose the lesser of two evils.

Whereas in the past, we could still claim that we were never truly given choice when it comes the government we could vote for, the same cannot be said today. The opposition of today has more well grounded momentum than they have before in the past, especially in urban areas. The idea of them forming government isn't as unlikely as it used to be. People seem to be a lot more politically aware (and opinionated) than I remember in the past.

There is also a new generation - my generation of young adults who will be voting for the first time. A generation that weren't around during the independence, social contracts and or riots from the 50's to 60s, nor the economic boom of the 70's to 80s. We were around during the 90's and the economic downturn. We were around during the turn of the millennium, when Malaysia slipped behind from being one of the tigers of ASEAN to the 'also ran', falling behind Indonesia and Thailand. But we were kids back then and didn't really have a say. 

Now that the time has come, we all have a chance to participate in making this decision. Do you believe in the current Government? Do you trust the Opposition? Who do you think has the nations interest at heart? Which is the one selling you popular lies and which one truly has the means to government?

Democracy has its own idiosyncrasies. The beauty of it is that everyone has a say. Every persons vote counts. But it also means that every persons vote counts, even the idiots. If you live in a society where the majority of people are level headed, intelligent and mature, democracy shines. But if you live if a country of filled with bird brains..*shivers* perhaps dictatorship isn't so bad after all. 

Maybe the bigger question this time isn't about what kind of candidates they are, but what kind of voter we are. 

#20 Give What You Cannot Keep

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot. 

A profound and inspiring quote that I read today from Jim Elliot. A man who lived and died in the name of his faith. It makes you think very carefully about what truly is important in life and what your priorities are. 

I used to ask why is it that we couldn't live forever. Why must we die. Like anyone else, death was something unwelcomed and to be feared. 

But as I grow older, I realize that without the knowledge of death, we could never appreciate life the way we do now. What we know will always be there will end up being taken for granted. What we fear to lose, we behold and cherish while still present. The fleetingness of life amplifies the beauty in the things we do.

Have you ever had moments in your life where for a very brief moment, even if it was just a few seconds, you thought you were going to die. It has happened to me a few times while driving and once on a plane. I came out alive (obviously) and kind of laughed about it after that. But in every one of those instances, I felt compelled to call my family and hear their voice. It gave me great joy just hearing their voice or seeing them again because for a brief few moments earlier, the thought of being losing them was very real in my mind. All the other troubles, worries and concerns I had been carrying everywhere with me didn't disappear, but they certainly felt less critical.

I guess in that sense, death is the ultimate reality checker. Just look at what it did for the late Steve Jobs. People are forced thing carefully about what they want to do, knowing the life they have is fleeting. For people like Steve Jobs, it was doing what he loved best, and what amazing things he did indeed for the world of technology. 

For Jim Elliot, it was doing the Great Commission, even to the point of death. He will not be as well remembered or as celebrated as Steve Jobs. But for his amazing faith and courage, I do believe he gained something he could never lose. 

#19 An Insta Society

We live in an 'instant' society. 

Just look at the world around us. At work, emails are expected to be read and replied within days if not hours. Deadlines given are short and numerous. People expect information and services to be furnished to them on a plate instantly.

In society, people flock to fast food restaurants  Any order taking more than 15 minutes to arrive is too slow. People people feel compelled to share their thoughts (or pictures of their food) on Facebook or Google+ immediately, via their always connected smartphones. Bills are paid, money is transferred, items are purchased all at the click of a button. Everything is instant. Even the latest social media craze is called 'insta'gram.

We now live life at breakneck speed compared to how life was just 10 to 15 years ago. 

Ironic that even with all this 'connectedness' and instant responses, many of us (or at least I) hardly have time to meet up with anyone any more. Social media helps people cope with that in some ways. You always have that option of scrolling on your friends Facebook wall to see what has been going on. But I have always been somewhat uncomfortable with that.

We trade in connecting in the flesh with our friends, person by person with 30 minutes of conveniently looking at our newsfeed. It feels like social media has become an inferior supplement to our social needs, in the same way store bought multivitamins have become inferior supplements to our nutritional needs. Ideally, you should derive both the same way - from the real thing. But we don't. We inevitably do what's quickest and most convenient given our busy schedules. We simply cannot afford, or refuse to wait. 

That's the thing about waiting isn't it? It feels more like a hindrance instead of a passage. Let me say that again - hindrance instead of passage. 'All good things come to those who wait', people used to quote. I hardly hear anyone say that anymore. Patience has become a rare virtue indeed, if still a virtue at all these days. I hear complements for quality, efficiency and effectiveness. But never a complement for patience. 

Is there no place for it in this world anymore in this 'insta-society'? 

#18 Things You Wish For

I remember not too long ago that I thought to myself :

"I don't want to have any kids yet. I'm still young. I want some time before I start a family."

I didn't really want to be one of those couples who had babies popping out 9 months (or sometimes sooner) after the wedding. I thought that when the time comes, then we'll have one... but for now, let us enjoy things for what it is.

Over time, the more I talked to people, the more I realised that there was a second group of people - people who found it very difficult to conceive at all, despite all their efforts. My heart went out to them. How sad it must feel, how hard it must be watching other people with their babies and children, wishing you have that too.

I always knew I didn't want to be the first group of people. But I didn't know I was already part of the second group.

Sigh.

People always say you should be careful in what you wish for. I guess you never quite get it until it happens to you.

#17 Politics

In a month (or two), 15 million Malaysians will be heading out of their homes to their nearby voting stations to make a decision : who do I want to run my country for the next 4 years? It's a no brainer for some, it's a tough one for others. After all you only have 2 choices - government or opposition.

But politics are one of those things that split people right down the middle. Over the past year, if people are not reminding me that the current government siphons off billions of dollars for themselves and likes blowing up women at golf courses, they are telling me about power crazing opposition people who like sodomizing boys young and old alike and making men and women queue separately at the supermarket.

Regardless of which camp you are, you always think the guy on the other side is a dirty, lying, corrupt bastard. Then you hear other people talk about your guy, and you realize perhaps he isn't quite as perfect as you thought he was. Suddenly, this isn't about choosing between whose better anymore. It's about figuring out whose worse. In the end, we all throw our hands up in the air and declare the honest truth - all politicians are liars.

But of course they are liars. What did you expect? After all, we are the ones that make them liars in the first place.

Holding our vote ransom, it is the people who often demand promises of  better roads and infrastructure, free education and healthcare, higher income and high employment rates, while at the same time keeping taxes low and inflation at bay. We want government to be transparent, efficient and benevolent with no corruption. We expect competent and qualified people to be put in charge of our country and bring it to greater heights, but we insist they must be selfless and noble, taking home an income no more than what an ordinary employee should. These demands are normal. But what's normal isn't always reasonable. Better education, infrastructure and good governance cost money, which means more taxes. Better business and economic prospects always come with inflation. Hiring good and qualified people is always going to be expensive.

And that's where the lying often starts. A man lies when he realizes he needs to in order to achieve his goal. And in the case of politicians, the people he is trying to serve becomes the people he needs to lie to. People make unreasonable demands in exchange for their votes, and politicians give them unreasonable promises to secure it. Later, when reality comes crashing down on everyone, we crucify the politician - the liar who duped us all into thinking he could make a change. But it was us who put him there in the first place. We chose him over that other guy - the one with the unconvincing campaign who promised higher taxes, lower wages and inflation through the roof.

We often feel like its an impossible choice - choosing between politicians. We hate that we have to choose between two liars. But even if there was such thing as an honest politician, we have given them a hard choice too - tell the truth and be shown the exit, or lie and then do your best later. If all politicians are liars, it is because the ones that were honest have all been booted out by us for saying the wrong thing - the truth.

I admit this cannot just be broadly applied to all politicians. There are those who go into politics for the money and power, there are those that are genuinely trying to make a difference in society. There are those who will grab, cheat, lie, steal and loot the country the first chance they get. And there are those who feel the burden of service in their hearts and act upon them, trying their best to do what's right for their homeland. At least that's what I would like to believe.

It will always take a bit of crazy for people to believe they can do great things. Climbing Mount Everest, running a 100km marathon, and yes, even running for public office. You need to believe that something can be done through you while all others have failed. You need to believe that you have something extra that others don't. Some people consider that 'extra something' confidence, some consider it talent and some consider it charisma.

This election, I hope the people elected into office will all have a different kind of extra something in them - integrity. Or maybe that's too much to ask...  

#16 Valentines Day

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#15 Step Mothers

Stepmothers - the 'other woman' vilified decades over by Disney movies and soap operas.

I've had 2 in my life. At least that's what I thought until late last year, when I found out my father had married for the forth time. It's weird, especially since my own biological mother is very much alive and well. 

I spoke to someone recently, and apparently 2 years after the death of her mother, her father was now seeing someone new. It sounded somewhat familiar, listening to someone trying to explain the complex mix of emotions of having one of your parent seeing someone new. It's not an easy thing to accept, step-parents. In fact, just associating the word 'parent' with the said persons makes you revolt. 

I remember my first step mother and the level of hostility I had for her at the start. It didn't matter how many times my father tried reassuring me that this woman wasn't there to 'replace' my mother in any way. The fact that my father was with this woman, and this woman was not my mother, was enough for me to hold her with contempt at all times. In my heart, who was this woman, who dares come in here and claim a position right next to my father. Who was this woman, who dares come in here thinking she can be even half the woman my mother ever was. Deeply rooted and fiercely guarded is the sentiment that my mother, her place in this family, (or in my friends case), the memory of her must be honoured and kept alive. The relationship between my mother and father was the foundation and start of my family. It was the original relationship that defined and became the core of our family. Us, the children, became an extension of that core. An outsider had no place within my family, what more at the core of it. To accept an outsider as my fathers 'partner' was in essence accepting a new definition of what and who my family was. A new family with my mother missing and a stranger holding my fathers arm - that was out of the question. 

And no matter how casual the 'other woman' tried to be about it, it will still come back to this - she will still want some level of acceptance by the mans children. They will never say they want to be your mother. They will never say they want you to be her children, but she will want to be able to sit down with everyone and know that her presence is accepted.

I empathise with my friend and her siblings. It's hard trying to cope with the change. For many years, the best I could manage was to remain civil and polite to my stepmother. She tried her best to be nice, friendly, warm and approachable, but it took many years before I even started becoming 'friendly' with her. And even then, when she and my father did finally get a divorce, our relationship with her broke down immediately. Perhaps this was harsh, but now that she was not even our stepmother, I felt no association or affection for her whatsoever. Within months, we stopped talking to each other. By the time I went to college I had absolutely no relations with her, and neither was I interested in rekindling it. 

When my father went with his second and third wives, I made it clear to him that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. I'd sit with them over dinner once in a while, I'd be friendly and polite, but I will not be attempting to strike up any sort of friendship with them. They were my fathers wife, and I made it clear that that's all there were going to be to me. After all, I still had my own mother, well and alive to care for. 

In my friends case, their mother had passed away. He had fulfilled his marriage vows till death did them part, and while she was alive, he had been by her side loyally and lovingly. It's hard to judge their father harshly for wanting to meet new people or move on with his life after all this time. Especially since his children were all also grown up and moving on with their own lives. Everyone has the right to continue pursuing happiness in their life. Until in my father's case, no infidelity has committed. I do hope that his children will eventually soften their stand towards their fathers new relationship. 

But if the woman starts asking their dad to start change his will - I say kill the bitch now.