#32 Impending Fatherhood

I have been asked many times if the reality of impending fatherhood has finally set in for me.

I suppose it has in some ways, but also not quite in others.

My life isn't really THAT different today compared to when we first heard the good news. I go to work at the same time, I come home the same time, I do the same things, I visit the same places and I see the same people. The only real difference is the occasional visit the the doctors, and of course the constant reminders from other people about all the things I need to do for the coming of the baby.

I know in my head that fatherhood is coming, but as my wife pointed out - the full reality of it probably won't sink in until I'm holding the baby in my arms. I learned somewhere that when a father holds his baby for the very first time, he unconsciously but instinctively looks for features of the child that resembles him. A very primitive way for a father to verify that it is indeed his offspring. Moms don't do this because, well.... it freaking came out of her belly so of course it's hers.

But there have been a few moments where things really sink in, where I felt my heart soften and become overwhelmed with a sense of warmth and expectation.

One of it was when I went for the first ultrasound examination when the baby was just 8 weeks old. Of course I had no idea what I was staring at on the screen, but as the doctor finally started to point out the heart - I felt it. I starred in silence and awe at that tiny little heart, not even the size of a peanut - and it was beating. It was alive and it was part of me. Over the next few months, I continued feeling awestruck every time I looked at the ultrasound screen, watching the baby grow bigger and bigger at amazing rate.

Then one day while I was still overseas, I got a text from my wife "I felt the baby kick today. So cute. I think he misses you too.. :) " At that moment too - I felt it. I'm pretty sure the baby didn't really miss me. But it was a sweet thought from her, and a notion I was more than happy to accept.

Am I ready to be a father? Can't say I am. I guess I'll get there eventually. I do have 4 more months to prepare!

Cheers!