I listened to a very
personal sharing from a rather prominent local activist, not about his
professional life, but about him and his wife's personal struggle in trying to
have children. Here it is.
It really got to me I
must admit. My wife and I have been trying intently for more than a year now
with no success. Many things shared sounded so familiar to me, especially about how every
single month the one thing you both dread to see is 'aunt flow' (or the period)
coming.
It's been a taxing
exercise, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to explain the
anxiety that comes with this struggle. Just like him, we have tried
different avenues. Chinese sensei consultations, medical consultations and even
minor surgery (a laparoscopy if you want to get technical) all in the name of
wanting a baby. Every single month, both of us are acutely aware of what day of
the single she is. She checks her temperature every day and wait for tell tale
signs from her body. I spend half my time trying to schedule outstation trips
and meetings around 'the right time of the month' to be home. Sex is pleasurable we all can agree. But when you are trying for baby intently and
purposefully, you almost feel like you are on a mission to Mars. There are
checklist, there are conditions and there is timing to be met. A lot like how
Mr. Nagayam says it, you eventually become an almost-expert on the issue of
infertility.
A lot of well-intended
people have offered advice. First they said the woman must be relaxed and
stress free. So we agreed for the to quite her job. They said go on a holiday
and you'll come back pregnant. So we went, several times. No good news. Then
they said the man needs to be relaxed too, otherwise there is 'poor motility'.
So I (try) to relax more. No good news. Chinese medicine doctors told her no
cold stuff, no white vegetables, no coconut milk, no melons, no lifting your
arms above your head, no strenuous activities
(including exercise). Medical doctors said nothings wrong except, wait,
what is this? Oh, one of your tubes is blocked. Don’t know why, don’t how,
don't recommend to fix it either. Just try longer. Start thinking of IUI or IVF
if you can’t wait anymore.
It doesn't help that
everyone else is getting married later and having babies sooner, as if making a
baby was as simple as 1,2,3. It's not a competition, but it certainly causes
more self doubt and anxiety to manifest. How come others conceive so easily?
Almost effortlessly it seems. Why can't we be like that?
And so you go home
thinking it over. How hard do you try? How far do you go? How long do you wait?
Whose word do you take? In times like this, you do wish you have someone you
can talk to about these things.
But it is not something
we freely share with people around us. In fact, only people closest and dearest
to us know (or bother to ask) about what really is going on. It's a sensitive
topic. It's hard to look at someone in the eye and say "We want but we
can't." Its a heavy questions with a heavy answer. Not everyone wants to
deal with that on their little Saturday night.
But we have tried taking
it in our stride. In fact, we both realize that it in fact an exercise of
faith. Understanding faith means understanding that life doesn’t always go the
way you want it to. That no matter how hard you pray sometimes, God’s answer
isn’t always yes. That whatever plans you thought you have for your life, you
really need to learn to give them up and submit to His will, whatever that
might be.
A lot of times, I forget
this. With all the options money buy, and how far medical science can take you,
it’s easy to forget that the miracle of life comes not by paying doctors with
test tubes, but by submitting to God, the source and sustainer of all life.
Where do we go from
here? How long do we try? How far do we go with these medical options?
Honestly, I don’t know. I search my heart and still cannot find an answer. I
know my wife’s heart aches every time she looks at other families with young
children. Although I try convincing my wife that we don’t really need children
to be happy, Even I find myself smiling down on little children wishing they
were mine.
Maybe those paternal
instincts are finally starting to kick in.
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