I've had 2 in my life. At least that's what I thought until late last year, when I found out my father had married for the forth time. It's weird, especially since my own biological mother is very much alive and well.
I spoke to someone recently, and apparently 2 years after the death of her mother, her father was now seeing someone new. It sounded somewhat familiar, listening to someone trying to explain the complex mix of emotions of having one of your parent seeing someone new. It's not an easy thing to accept, step-parents. In fact, just associating the word 'parent' with the said persons makes you revolt.
I remember my first step mother and the level of hostility I had for her at the start. It didn't matter how many times my father tried reassuring me that this woman wasn't there to 'replace' my mother in any way. The fact that my father was with this woman, and this woman was not my mother, was enough for me to hold her with contempt at all times. In my heart, who was this woman, who dares come in here and claim a position right next to my father. Who was this woman, who dares come in here thinking she can be even half the woman my mother ever was. Deeply rooted and fiercely guarded is the sentiment that my mother, her place in this family, (or in my friends case), the memory of her must be honoured and kept alive. The relationship between my mother and father was the foundation and start of my family. It was the original relationship that defined and became the core of our family. Us, the children, became an extension of that core. An outsider had no place within my family, what more at the core of it. To accept an outsider as my fathers 'partner' was in essence accepting a new definition of what and who my family was. A new family with my mother missing and a stranger holding my fathers arm - that was out of the question.
And no matter how casual the 'other woman' tried to be about it, it will still come back to this - she will still want some level of acceptance by the mans children. They will never say they want to be your mother. They will never say they want you to be her children, but she will want to be able to sit down with everyone and know that her presence is accepted.
I empathise with my friend and her siblings. It's hard trying to cope with the change. For many years, the best I could manage was to remain civil and polite to my stepmother. She tried her best to be nice, friendly, warm and approachable, but it took many years before I even started becoming 'friendly' with her. And even then, when she and my father did finally get a divorce, our relationship with her broke down immediately. Perhaps this was harsh, but now that she was not even our stepmother, I felt no association or affection for her whatsoever. Within months, we stopped talking to each other. By the time I went to college I had absolutely no relations with her, and neither was I interested in rekindling it.
When my father went with his second and third wives, I made it clear to him that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them. I'd sit with them over dinner once in a while, I'd be friendly and polite, but I will not be attempting to strike up any sort of friendship with them. They were my fathers wife, and I made it clear that that's all there were going to be to me. After all, I still had my own mother, well and alive to care for.
In my friends case, their mother had passed away. He had fulfilled his marriage vows till death did them part, and while she was alive, he had been by her side loyally and lovingly. It's hard to judge their father harshly for wanting to meet new people or move on with his life after all this time. Especially since his children were all also grown up and moving on with their own lives. Everyone has the right to continue pursuing happiness in their life. Until in my father's case, no infidelity has committed. I do hope that his children will eventually soften their stand towards their fathers new relationship.
But if the woman starts asking their dad to start change his will - I say kill the bitch now.
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