#26 Daddy To Be

It was the first time I had ever felt my hands trembling in such a way. I couldn’t be sure if it was out of fear, excitement or anxiety. But I held her hand to mind, leaned my head forward so that our foreheads touched, and we prayed.

“Thank you Lord. Thank you for answering our prayers. Thank you for showing us that you are a God that listens to his people. Thank you for this blessing. Thank you for this child that you have given us…”

I’m about to become a father.

Ever since the day we found out, my other hand has surely but steadily been showing stronger symptoms of pregnancy. We haven’t gone to the doctors for a first consultation yet. Hopefully all we go well. All this uncertainty has been quite nerve wrecking. We went to the bookshop to buy a few books on pregnancy. She picked one book – What To Expect When You are Expecting. It’s comprehensive, detailed and really something all first time mothers should read. Truly a good book. Me? In typical fashion I picked an equally good one – Pregnancy For Dummies. It’s simple, easily digestible, and really something all first time all dummies fathers need to read.

“How do you feel now?” my wife asked me the other day.

“Normal I guess… “ I replied.

“Maybe you’ll feell more anxious when the bump starts to show?” she asked.

As if I wasn’t anxious enough as it is.

I have been anxious lately. Not just about the pregnancy. But also about parenthood. Now that the initial excitement is over, I find myself having to plan for a the arrival of a tiny little human being that will depend on me for the next 18 (or so) years for food, shelter, education and nappy changes.

My thoughts turn to my own parents for guidance. But my father has moved to the Philippines to live his own life, and my mother is sitting in the psychiatric ward.  It does feel like my wife and I are going to have to just wing it.

Will we be good parents? Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this? Will we be able to manage? Will there be enough? Do we know how to teach our children? Will they be sick? Will they inherit any medical problems? I guess I’ll just have to find out over time.

We went to the doctors office a few days after we found out. After a few minutes of chatting, we proceeded to do the ultrasound.

Looking at the monitor, the doctor was describing to us what this little dot and that little dot was. The baby had a heart now, and it was beating. He turned up the volume on the scanner, and for the first time in my life I heard the heartbeat of my own flesh and blood. It was then that reality hit me with all its might.

I’m about to be a father. 

#25 An Admission

I admitted my mother into hospital today.

It broke my heart looking into her eyes - sensing the sense of fear, disappointment and betrayal as she looked silently at me. Maybe she knew it was inevitable. Maybe she hoped we wouldn’t do it. Maybe she trusted that we wouldn’t. But we did. We walked her down the long corridor, up the stairs and into the psychiatric ward – a place she vowed she never ever wanted to come to again.

It can be very hard caring for a mother with schizophrenia. Mental illness is not something most people readily understand like diabetes, cancer or heart diseases. It is an invisible illness that shadows the sufferer and their family at all times. Even when medication is taken and all is normal, the effects of the illness is ever present. The sufferer and their family are acutely aware of it at all times. Side effects from the medication manifest – twitching, restlessness, involuntary movements, inability to concentrate, dullness, inattentiveness – all oddities of behavior to the untrained eyed. But to the sufferer and their families, it is an ever reminder that psychiatric drugs are at work.

My mother was admitted today because she went into a relapse. She had not bathed herself for days. She had not been sleeping well, eating properly or talking normally. She couldn’t hold a proper conversation, had unexplained and erratic mood swings and had severe flight of thoughts. We tried giving her the medication in the doses the doctor recommended, but she started fighting it. At our wits end, we brought her to the doctors. Admission was the most expected outcome.

Driving from the hospital, I said a prayer to God. I prayed that God would protect her, heal her and soften her heart. I understood my mother. I understood why she had been secretly skipping on the medication. She wanted to be well. She believed that she was well. Taking medication and having to deal with the side effects is hard for her, both personally and publicly. Gazes from strangers – even those from church  - can be surprisingly harsh. She believes that she doesn’t really need the doses that the doctor prescribes. If she could only see the state she was in at this moment.

I hope she will forgive me and my brother for what we did today. Though we know and believe what we did was right, and ultimately for her own good, she will probably not feel the same. She would probably be very hurt by what we did, thinking this was our way of just trying to ‘get rid of the problem’ and doing what was most convenient to us. Hopefully one day she would know just how difficult it was for us, or how much it hurt us too. No child enjoys the thought of their mother sitting alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by even more mentally ill patients.

Come home soon ma. Please believe me when I say – we love you. 

#24 Dear PM

Dear Prime Minister,

I'd like to tell you - I voted for you.

No, not for you personally in your constituency. But your constituency candidate where I was part of in GE13.  I did this despite the fact that the Opposition candidate actually seemed more appealing to me. I did this despite the fact that almost every single person I spoke to (including my family) were telling me to do otherwise - saying it was time for change, it was time to show the government that they can't just do what they like without suffering the wrath of the people. I did this despite being confronted with countless examples of corruption and poor governance by the government. Yes, at the risk of being called a fool, I voted for you.

See, unlike everyone else in the demographic group that I belong to, I wanted to give you a chance to make good of all the 'janji ditepati' posters you've been slapping all over town. Most people I know are cynical of your ability or even intention of keeping those promises. They tell me that even if you wanted to make progressive reforms, your party people will never allow it - not with the millions of dollars at stake for them. They say you curry favor and support by splashing money and opportunity at them.

Honestly, I'm sick and tired of all the political coffee shop talk that's been going on the past few months. I'm sick and tired of hearing about phantom Bangladeshi voters, I'm sick of hearing about corruption charges. I'm sick of countless mass rallies calling for 'ubah', touting 'ini kalilah' when in fact, 'kali in sudah lepas'. It seemed like many people my age were supporting opposition simply because all their friends were doing so. To do otherwise would risk being shunned and ridiculed.

It was my feeling that many people were calling for change just for the sake of change. Ubah can.. but ubah to what? Where is your roadmap? Where is you policy and plan? How is it better than the government's? Who is your proposed cabinet line up? It was my deep suspicion that the top leader(s) of the opposition were charismatic smooth talkers more than anything else. Abolish toll? Free education? Great! But they conveniently left out how this was going to be achieved without driving up deficit, how toll companies will have to be compensated to break the contract, how income tax would probably go up if education is fully government funded. I was not given any solid, well grounded, level headed reason for why I should vote opposition. All I got was a lot of rhetoric and hot heads make sweeping statements that basically go "Bloody government corrupt. Steal the people's money for themselves and screwing the country." It felt more like people just wanted to vote against the government, rather than vote for opposition. I understand why people are angry. Public office should be about serving the people, not about money and power. But Malaysian politics have become all about money and power. And you, the BN who have been in power since independence must take responsibility for that.

You must reform the government to be more accountable - no awarding of jobs to your own people, no inside deal on government contracts. You must strengthen public institutions - Election Commission (EC), Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC), Courts and the Media must be given full and genuine autonomy to carry out their roles. You must stop drawing racial lines among the peoples of Malaysia - as peaceful and prosperous as we are, we are still being polarized by race. Why is Utusan putting racial headlines and getting away with it?  My constituency was majority Malay, but the candidate you chose (a Malay) still lost to the opposition candidate, (a Chinese) What Chinese Tsunami? Why not middle class Tsunami? There can be no place for racist policies or practices in government and public office. Long lasting social change comes from top down, not bottom up. If even the government condones racism, then surely the man on the street will never change.

Dear Prime Minister,

I dislike all these street protest and mass rallies going on. I doubt the intentions of the leaders going up on stage preaching to the crowd, telling everybody exactly what they want to hear, all in the name of gaining political mileage. They are like wolf in sheep's clothing to me. But I do not doubt the hundred of thousands of ordinary Malaysians who decide to go to such rallies. I do not doubt the 5.486 million Malaysians who voted opposition. They have a right to exercise their opinion. And they certainly have a right to demand a clean government. You see, I want change just as much as they do. I want justice, transparency and integrity in government just as much as they do. It is what all Malaysians want. The only difference is, they don't think it can come from you. I still hope it can. That is why I voted for you. People tell me I am wrong. People tell me I am naive.

But you now have four years to prove me right.

Please make good use of it.

#23 A Brave Death

Thursday afternoon, I got a call from a friend. My old college mate, Mario was dying. He complained of a headache just a day earlier on Wednesday morning. Made his way to hospital but by afternoon, he was in a coma. Doctors said something about his cancer spreading to his head causing internal brain damage. Chances are, he will not recover. It was just a matter of days.

“ What cancer?” I asked.

“The cancer he’s been battling since early last year.” came the answer.

I was embarrassed. I had not kept abreast with the ongoings of many people I used to know.

“Can you come?” asked my friend.

“Not now. I’m overseas. I will see him as soon as I’m back.”

“Hurry..”

Over the next two days, I thought about just what I could possibly say to Mario, literally on his death bed. It has been at least 4 years since I last saw or spoke to him. I had no idea he went through countless facial reconstruction surgeries last year to remove the cancer on his cheek, or that he couldn’t talk for three months. All I know was that he was one of those cheerful ones. The kind that seemed to carry jokes with him everywhere, spreading laughter as he went. It seemed a cruel twist of fate to mute such a person.

The plan was to visit him on Saturday. But by Friday night, I still had no idea what I was going to say to him. But it didn’t really matter in the end. Mario died on a Friday afternoon before I ever had the chance to see him.

On his Facebook wall, the endless post of encouragement and support gradually turned into words of condolences.  An hour later as I was driving home, a text message came in.

“Mario passed away.” said my friend.

“I know.”

“His funeral is tomorrow night. Shall we go together?” said my friend.

“OK… See you then.”

Over the next two days, as I went through the details of the last years of his life and death, I realize that there was so much more to this man than I ever know from college.

I learned of his great courage in facing this rare but fierce cancer that hand literally consumed his life overnight. Even as he was going through chemotherapy, he refused to give in to sadness, insisting that having cancer doesn’t mean you stop laughing. His mother told him to pray to the Goddess Guan Yin to heal him, but he refused. He said that if he prayed and Guan Yin healed him, it would not be fair to others who deserved it more. He would not ask for intervention from God if this was his fate.

“He is no longer in pain. My son is in a better place now.” said Mario’s mother with a smile on her face at the funeral . I had never seen a mother grieving for her son with so much peace and acceptance in her eyes.  I guess Mario inherited his courage from his mother.

He was my age, born just 2 weeks before me. And yet here he was, lying in a wooden coffin. It felt surreal staring down on him through the coffin glass. The embalmers did such a good job that if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was just in some deep sleep. I stared at his face, half expecting him to suddenly open his eyes to give me one of his trademark grins I often saw in college. But he was most assuredly gone. It was the reason we were all there in the first place. Silly me.

We sat around and watched as the priest burned paper money, paper houses, paper cars and a myriad of appliances, as offering to Mario in his afterlife. A friend joked that we should burn a few mobile phones too. He was always a gadget geek. Mario would have appreciated it. I nodded with a smile. On the day he died, Mario left behind his parents, his two younger sisters and dozens of friends who would forever miss his jokes and banter.

It amazed me to listen to what people had to say about him after his passing. I was reminded again that ultimately at the point of your death, you will be loved and missed not for your abilities or achievements, but for the love and joy you impart to those you come in contact with in your life. In death, I also found new respect for him. He had faced death with a kind of dignity and courage that I can only hope I will have when my day comes.

The service ended around half past ten. We said our goodbyes to each other and one last goodbye to Mario. I headed home and hugged my wife, just a little tighter, just a litter longer that night.

May God’s grace and mercy descend upon you. Rest in peace Mario.

#22 Making Babies

I listened to a very personal sharing from a rather prominent local activist, not about his professional life, but about him and his wife's personal struggle in trying to have children. Here it is. 

http://www.bfm.my/couple-struggle-fertility-treatments.html

It really got to me I must admit. My wife and I have been trying intently for more than a year now with no success. Many things shared sounded so familiar to me, especially about how every single month the one thing you both dread to see is 'aunt flow' (or the period) coming.

It's been a taxing exercise, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to explain the anxiety that comes with this struggle. Just like him, we have tried different avenues. Chinese sensei consultations, medical consultations and even minor surgery (a laparoscopy if you want to get technical) all in the name of wanting a baby. Every single month, both of us are acutely aware of what day of the single she is. She checks her temperature every day and wait for tell tale signs from her body. I spend half my time trying to schedule outstation trips and meetings around 'the right time of the month' to be home. Sex is pleasurable we all can agree. But  when you are trying for baby intently and purposefully, you almost feel like you are on a mission to Mars. There are checklist, there are conditions and there is timing to be met. A lot like how Mr. Nagayam says it, you eventually become an almost-expert on the issue of infertility. 

A lot of well-intended people have offered advice. First they said the woman must be relaxed and stress free. So we agreed for the to quite her job. They said go on a holiday and you'll come back pregnant. So we went, several times. No good news. Then they said the man needs to be relaxed too, otherwise there is 'poor motility'. So I (try) to relax more. No good news. Chinese medicine doctors told her no cold stuff, no white vegetables, no coconut milk, no melons, no lifting your arms above your head, no strenuous activities (including exercise). Medical doctors said nothings wrong except, wait, what is this? Oh, one of your tubes is blocked. Don’t know why, don’t how, don't recommend to fix it either. Just try longer. Start thinking of IUI or IVF if you can’t wait anymore.

It doesn't help that everyone else is getting married later and having babies sooner, as if making a baby was as simple as 1,2,3. It's not a competition, but it certainly causes more self doubt and anxiety to manifest. How come others conceive so easily? Almost effortlessly it seems. Why can't we be like that?

And so you go home thinking it over. How hard do you try? How far do you go? How long do you wait? Whose word do you take? In times like this, you do wish you have someone you can talk to about these things.

But it is not something we freely share with people around us. In fact, only people closest and dearest to us know (or bother to ask) about what really is going on. It's a sensitive topic. It's hard to look at someone in the eye and say "We want but we can't." Its a heavy questions with a heavy answer. Not everyone wants to deal with that on their little Saturday night.  

But we have tried taking it in our stride. In fact, we both realize that it in fact an exercise of faith. Understanding faith means understanding that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. That no matter how hard you pray sometimes, God’s answer isn’t always yes. That whatever plans you thought you have for your life, you really need to learn to give them up and submit to His will, whatever that might be.  

A lot of times, I forget this. With all the options money buy, and how far medical science can take you, it’s easy to forget that the miracle of life comes not by paying doctors with test tubes, but by submitting to God, the source and sustainer of all life.

Where do we go from here? How long do we try? How far do we go with these medical options? Honestly, I don’t know. I search my heart and still cannot find an answer. I know my wife’s heart aches every time she looks at other families with young children. Although I try convincing my wife that we don’t really need children to be happy, Even I find myself smiling down on little children wishing they were mine.

Maybe those paternal instincts are finally starting to kick in.

                                                                                                                                               

#21 GE13

So it’s finally here. The 13^th General Elections for Malaysia. Within the next 60 day, candidates will be chosen, campaigning will commence and at the end, a new government will be chosen. Or not.

It is probably one of the most anticipated elections in the short history of this country. Heck, I found out about it first from a Singaporean who called me immediately after he found out. Just goes to show how hotly anticipated it has been.

I remember posting about politics just a few weeks ago.

In the last election headed by Tun Abdullah the government won but only barely. 5 local states were won by the opposition and Government failed to win the two thirds majority in Parliament. In the one before that, also headed by Tun Abdullah the government won in a landslide. In fact, the biggest landslide it had ever won by. People said it was mostly from the feel good factor after Tun Mahathir retired. In the one before that (bare with me ok), we saw one of the most highly charged elections, with the Asian financial crisis looming large,  Anwar Ibrahim freshly thrown out of his No. 2 seat straight into jail and the Reformasi movement at its peak.

This time, we have Najib heading the Government into elections for the first time. You can definitely tell that things are different today that how it was in all the past elections.

 The government isn’t as popular as they used to be, that’s a given. They don’t have an iron grip on the propaganda battle field like they used to. Independent news portals, blogs and easily accessible international media reports have meant that voters of today have more sources and more sides to the same story to consider than they did in the past.

This has obviously not worked to the governments benefit given that most independent news sources seem to be pro-opposition despite their claims of neutrality. People believe unverified negative reports more readily than they do verified positive facts. Scandals, conspiracies and drama also make for a more interesting reads than boring economic and job statistics. I guess the Opposition has been much more effective in using these than the government. Not that the government was just going to take it without a fight. The last few months have seen a slew of sex scandals, corruption charges being made against opposition leaders too. It became a tit-for-tat mudslinging battle even before parliament was ever dissolved.

In some sense, this is good for the people. Mature democracies like the US rely on allegedly free and independent press to keep their politicians in check. One can always argue that there is no such thing as a truly free and independent press, but that’s for another post. At least with the presence of a ‘free-er’ press, politicians will try to keep their records as clean as possible, or cover their tracks better. Assuming that politicians chose the former over the latter, it raises the bar for political integrity in the country. If they chose the latter... well.. that's why we have jails right? In an ideal world, in trying to be the better candidate, politicians should be more concerned about keeping their record clean, rather than slinging mud at each other’s face. 

In other sense, it can also works against us. Freedom is always a double edge sword. A more vocal and free media also means that everyone and anyone has the freedom to say whatever they want, even if they are not true. Sure we're all entitled to have an opinion. But just because you have one, doesn't make it a good or valid one. Disgruntled people used to complain that a restricted media meant that we listened to lies from one party, the Government all the time. Well, a free-er media probably means we will now have to listen to 

 The burden falls back to us, the voters. It is up to us to try and sieve through all the lies, deceit and false allegations made by both sides and determine which is the better one. Or at least chose the lesser of two evils.

Whereas in the past, we could still claim that we were never truly given choice when it comes the government we could vote for, the same cannot be said today. The opposition of today has more well grounded momentum than they have before in the past, especially in urban areas. The idea of them forming government isn't as unlikely as it used to be. People seem to be a lot more politically aware (and opinionated) than I remember in the past.

There is also a new generation - my generation of young adults who will be voting for the first time. A generation that weren't around during the independence, social contracts and or riots from the 50's to 60s, nor the economic boom of the 70's to 80s. We were around during the 90's and the economic downturn. We were around during the turn of the millennium, when Malaysia slipped behind from being one of the tigers of ASEAN to the 'also ran', falling behind Indonesia and Thailand. But we were kids back then and didn't really have a say. 

Now that the time has come, we all have a chance to participate in making this decision. Do you believe in the current Government? Do you trust the Opposition? Who do you think has the nations interest at heart? Which is the one selling you popular lies and which one truly has the means to government?

Democracy has its own idiosyncrasies. The beauty of it is that everyone has a say. Every persons vote counts. But it also means that every persons vote counts, even the idiots. If you live in a society where the majority of people are level headed, intelligent and mature, democracy shines. But if you live if a country of filled with bird brains..*shivers* perhaps dictatorship isn't so bad after all. 

Maybe the bigger question this time isn't about what kind of candidates they are, but what kind of voter we are. 

#20 Give What You Cannot Keep

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot. 

A profound and inspiring quote that I read today from Jim Elliot. A man who lived and died in the name of his faith. It makes you think very carefully about what truly is important in life and what your priorities are. 

I used to ask why is it that we couldn't live forever. Why must we die. Like anyone else, death was something unwelcomed and to be feared. 

But as I grow older, I realize that without the knowledge of death, we could never appreciate life the way we do now. What we know will always be there will end up being taken for granted. What we fear to lose, we behold and cherish while still present. The fleetingness of life amplifies the beauty in the things we do.

Have you ever had moments in your life where for a very brief moment, even if it was just a few seconds, you thought you were going to die. It has happened to me a few times while driving and once on a plane. I came out alive (obviously) and kind of laughed about it after that. But in every one of those instances, I felt compelled to call my family and hear their voice. It gave me great joy just hearing their voice or seeing them again because for a brief few moments earlier, the thought of being losing them was very real in my mind. All the other troubles, worries and concerns I had been carrying everywhere with me didn't disappear, but they certainly felt less critical.

I guess in that sense, death is the ultimate reality checker. Just look at what it did for the late Steve Jobs. People are forced thing carefully about what they want to do, knowing the life they have is fleeting. For people like Steve Jobs, it was doing what he loved best, and what amazing things he did indeed for the world of technology. 

For Jim Elliot, it was doing the Great Commission, even to the point of death. He will not be as well remembered or as celebrated as Steve Jobs. But for his amazing faith and courage, I do believe he gained something he could never lose.