#23 A Brave Death

Thursday afternoon, I got a call from a friend. My old college mate, Mario was dying. He complained of a headache just a day earlier on Wednesday morning. Made his way to hospital but by afternoon, he was in a coma. Doctors said something about his cancer spreading to his head causing internal brain damage. Chances are, he will not recover. It was just a matter of days.

“ What cancer?” I asked.

“The cancer he’s been battling since early last year.” came the answer.

I was embarrassed. I had not kept abreast with the ongoings of many people I used to know.

“Can you come?” asked my friend.

“Not now. I’m overseas. I will see him as soon as I’m back.”

“Hurry..”

Over the next two days, I thought about just what I could possibly say to Mario, literally on his death bed. It has been at least 4 years since I last saw or spoke to him. I had no idea he went through countless facial reconstruction surgeries last year to remove the cancer on his cheek, or that he couldn’t talk for three months. All I know was that he was one of those cheerful ones. The kind that seemed to carry jokes with him everywhere, spreading laughter as he went. It seemed a cruel twist of fate to mute such a person.

The plan was to visit him on Saturday. But by Friday night, I still had no idea what I was going to say to him. But it didn’t really matter in the end. Mario died on a Friday afternoon before I ever had the chance to see him.

On his Facebook wall, the endless post of encouragement and support gradually turned into words of condolences.  An hour later as I was driving home, a text message came in.

“Mario passed away.” said my friend.

“I know.”

“His funeral is tomorrow night. Shall we go together?” said my friend.

“OK… See you then.”

Over the next two days, as I went through the details of the last years of his life and death, I realize that there was so much more to this man than I ever know from college.

I learned of his great courage in facing this rare but fierce cancer that hand literally consumed his life overnight. Even as he was going through chemotherapy, he refused to give in to sadness, insisting that having cancer doesn’t mean you stop laughing. His mother told him to pray to the Goddess Guan Yin to heal him, but he refused. He said that if he prayed and Guan Yin healed him, it would not be fair to others who deserved it more. He would not ask for intervention from God if this was his fate.

“He is no longer in pain. My son is in a better place now.” said Mario’s mother with a smile on her face at the funeral . I had never seen a mother grieving for her son with so much peace and acceptance in her eyes.  I guess Mario inherited his courage from his mother.

He was my age, born just 2 weeks before me. And yet here he was, lying in a wooden coffin. It felt surreal staring down on him through the coffin glass. The embalmers did such a good job that if you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was just in some deep sleep. I stared at his face, half expecting him to suddenly open his eyes to give me one of his trademark grins I often saw in college. But he was most assuredly gone. It was the reason we were all there in the first place. Silly me.

We sat around and watched as the priest burned paper money, paper houses, paper cars and a myriad of appliances, as offering to Mario in his afterlife. A friend joked that we should burn a few mobile phones too. He was always a gadget geek. Mario would have appreciated it. I nodded with a smile. On the day he died, Mario left behind his parents, his two younger sisters and dozens of friends who would forever miss his jokes and banter.

It amazed me to listen to what people had to say about him after his passing. I was reminded again that ultimately at the point of your death, you will be loved and missed not for your abilities or achievements, but for the love and joy you impart to those you come in contact with in your life. In death, I also found new respect for him. He had faced death with a kind of dignity and courage that I can only hope I will have when my day comes.

The service ended around half past ten. We said our goodbyes to each other and one last goodbye to Mario. I headed home and hugged my wife, just a little tighter, just a litter longer that night.

May God’s grace and mercy descend upon you. Rest in peace Mario.

#22 Making Babies

I listened to a very personal sharing from a rather prominent local activist, not about his professional life, but about him and his wife's personal struggle in trying to have children. Here it is. 

http://www.bfm.my/couple-struggle-fertility-treatments.html

It really got to me I must admit. My wife and I have been trying intently for more than a year now with no success. Many things shared sounded so familiar to me, especially about how every single month the one thing you both dread to see is 'aunt flow' (or the period) coming.

It's been a taxing exercise, both emotionally and financially. It's hard to explain the anxiety that comes with this struggle. Just like him, we have tried different avenues. Chinese sensei consultations, medical consultations and even minor surgery (a laparoscopy if you want to get technical) all in the name of wanting a baby. Every single month, both of us are acutely aware of what day of the single she is. She checks her temperature every day and wait for tell tale signs from her body. I spend half my time trying to schedule outstation trips and meetings around 'the right time of the month' to be home. Sex is pleasurable we all can agree. But  when you are trying for baby intently and purposefully, you almost feel like you are on a mission to Mars. There are checklist, there are conditions and there is timing to be met. A lot like how Mr. Nagayam says it, you eventually become an almost-expert on the issue of infertility. 

A lot of well-intended people have offered advice. First they said the woman must be relaxed and stress free. So we agreed for the to quite her job. They said go on a holiday and you'll come back pregnant. So we went, several times. No good news. Then they said the man needs to be relaxed too, otherwise there is 'poor motility'. So I (try) to relax more. No good news. Chinese medicine doctors told her no cold stuff, no white vegetables, no coconut milk, no melons, no lifting your arms above your head, no strenuous activities (including exercise). Medical doctors said nothings wrong except, wait, what is this? Oh, one of your tubes is blocked. Don’t know why, don’t how, don't recommend to fix it either. Just try longer. Start thinking of IUI or IVF if you can’t wait anymore.

It doesn't help that everyone else is getting married later and having babies sooner, as if making a baby was as simple as 1,2,3. It's not a competition, but it certainly causes more self doubt and anxiety to manifest. How come others conceive so easily? Almost effortlessly it seems. Why can't we be like that?

And so you go home thinking it over. How hard do you try? How far do you go? How long do you wait? Whose word do you take? In times like this, you do wish you have someone you can talk to about these things.

But it is not something we freely share with people around us. In fact, only people closest and dearest to us know (or bother to ask) about what really is going on. It's a sensitive topic. It's hard to look at someone in the eye and say "We want but we can't." Its a heavy questions with a heavy answer. Not everyone wants to deal with that on their little Saturday night.  

But we have tried taking it in our stride. In fact, we both realize that it in fact an exercise of faith. Understanding faith means understanding that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. That no matter how hard you pray sometimes, God’s answer isn’t always yes. That whatever plans you thought you have for your life, you really need to learn to give them up and submit to His will, whatever that might be.  

A lot of times, I forget this. With all the options money buy, and how far medical science can take you, it’s easy to forget that the miracle of life comes not by paying doctors with test tubes, but by submitting to God, the source and sustainer of all life.

Where do we go from here? How long do we try? How far do we go with these medical options? Honestly, I don’t know. I search my heart and still cannot find an answer. I know my wife’s heart aches every time she looks at other families with young children. Although I try convincing my wife that we don’t really need children to be happy, Even I find myself smiling down on little children wishing they were mine.

Maybe those paternal instincts are finally starting to kick in.

                                                                                                                                               

#21 GE13

So it’s finally here. The 13^th General Elections for Malaysia. Within the next 60 day, candidates will be chosen, campaigning will commence and at the end, a new government will be chosen. Or not.

It is probably one of the most anticipated elections in the short history of this country. Heck, I found out about it first from a Singaporean who called me immediately after he found out. Just goes to show how hotly anticipated it has been.

I remember posting about politics just a few weeks ago.

In the last election headed by Tun Abdullah the government won but only barely. 5 local states were won by the opposition and Government failed to win the two thirds majority in Parliament. In the one before that, also headed by Tun Abdullah the government won in a landslide. In fact, the biggest landslide it had ever won by. People said it was mostly from the feel good factor after Tun Mahathir retired. In the one before that (bare with me ok), we saw one of the most highly charged elections, with the Asian financial crisis looming large,  Anwar Ibrahim freshly thrown out of his No. 2 seat straight into jail and the Reformasi movement at its peak.

This time, we have Najib heading the Government into elections for the first time. You can definitely tell that things are different today that how it was in all the past elections.

 The government isn’t as popular as they used to be, that’s a given. They don’t have an iron grip on the propaganda battle field like they used to. Independent news portals, blogs and easily accessible international media reports have meant that voters of today have more sources and more sides to the same story to consider than they did in the past.

This has obviously not worked to the governments benefit given that most independent news sources seem to be pro-opposition despite their claims of neutrality. People believe unverified negative reports more readily than they do verified positive facts. Scandals, conspiracies and drama also make for a more interesting reads than boring economic and job statistics. I guess the Opposition has been much more effective in using these than the government. Not that the government was just going to take it without a fight. The last few months have seen a slew of sex scandals, corruption charges being made against opposition leaders too. It became a tit-for-tat mudslinging battle even before parliament was ever dissolved.

In some sense, this is good for the people. Mature democracies like the US rely on allegedly free and independent press to keep their politicians in check. One can always argue that there is no such thing as a truly free and independent press, but that’s for another post. At least with the presence of a ‘free-er’ press, politicians will try to keep their records as clean as possible, or cover their tracks better. Assuming that politicians chose the former over the latter, it raises the bar for political integrity in the country. If they chose the latter... well.. that's why we have jails right? In an ideal world, in trying to be the better candidate, politicians should be more concerned about keeping their record clean, rather than slinging mud at each other’s face. 

In other sense, it can also works against us. Freedom is always a double edge sword. A more vocal and free media also means that everyone and anyone has the freedom to say whatever they want, even if they are not true. Sure we're all entitled to have an opinion. But just because you have one, doesn't make it a good or valid one. Disgruntled people used to complain that a restricted media meant that we listened to lies from one party, the Government all the time. Well, a free-er media probably means we will now have to listen to 

 The burden falls back to us, the voters. It is up to us to try and sieve through all the lies, deceit and false allegations made by both sides and determine which is the better one. Or at least chose the lesser of two evils.

Whereas in the past, we could still claim that we were never truly given choice when it comes the government we could vote for, the same cannot be said today. The opposition of today has more well grounded momentum than they have before in the past, especially in urban areas. The idea of them forming government isn't as unlikely as it used to be. People seem to be a lot more politically aware (and opinionated) than I remember in the past.

There is also a new generation - my generation of young adults who will be voting for the first time. A generation that weren't around during the independence, social contracts and or riots from the 50's to 60s, nor the economic boom of the 70's to 80s. We were around during the 90's and the economic downturn. We were around during the turn of the millennium, when Malaysia slipped behind from being one of the tigers of ASEAN to the 'also ran', falling behind Indonesia and Thailand. But we were kids back then and didn't really have a say. 

Now that the time has come, we all have a chance to participate in making this decision. Do you believe in the current Government? Do you trust the Opposition? Who do you think has the nations interest at heart? Which is the one selling you popular lies and which one truly has the means to government?

Democracy has its own idiosyncrasies. The beauty of it is that everyone has a say. Every persons vote counts. But it also means that every persons vote counts, even the idiots. If you live in a society where the majority of people are level headed, intelligent and mature, democracy shines. But if you live if a country of filled with bird brains..*shivers* perhaps dictatorship isn't so bad after all. 

Maybe the bigger question this time isn't about what kind of candidates they are, but what kind of voter we are.