#31 When Sin Lets Us Alone

When sin lets us alone we may let sin alone; but as sin is never less quiet than when it seems to be most quiet, and its waters are for the most part deep when they are still, so ought our contrivances against it to be vigorous at all times and in all. - John Owen

#30 Where It Comes From

"The nature of the Christian life is not believe once and then thats it forever, but leaning on Jesus's promise every day."

I constantly feel the need to remind myself of that. The bank statements say the money is mine, the cheque says my salary comes from the boss. The trust funds say the profit comes from the economy. It's so easy to forget that everything that we did, do and ever will acquire on this earth comes from God.

Almost on a monthly basis, I find myself staring at bank statements, bills and expenses for which everything in my bank account won't seem to be able to cover. I grow desperate and weary. Money woes never seem to end no matter how much you earn. And yet somehow, somehow, it has always been enough. We always tide through.

Its God's way of teaching us on how to live on his grace. The people of Israel lived in the desert for 40 years, relying on manna they collected on a daily basis. Any excess mana uneaten for the day would rot by night. No stocking was possible. God was teaching his people to trust Him with their lives and their needs daily. When Elijah stayed with the widow during the 3 year draught, the promise was that the jar of flour and jug of oil will not go empty, not that it would overflow with abundance. After all, it is in Man's tendency to forget God when blessings are abundant.

We live in a world glorifying the self made millionnaires, the people who overcame overwhelming odds out of sheer will and determination. We respect and idolize people who fly high, who make things happen, who leads and inspire others. And yet the first lesson of the Sermon on the Mount was "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." The way we measure people isnt the way God measures people.

In my own life, I often forget that though God did promise us abundance and comfort when following him, abundance and comfort isn't really.the main thing at all. God gives when giving glorifies Him. Those blessed abundantly are supposed to pay it forward - bless others in His name so that Gods name is glorified. But God takes away when taking away glorifies Him. So that people can be amazed at Christians who go through hell on earth and still sing It Is Well With My Soul, that the most broken people still find comfort in their God and sing praises to his name.

The thing is, though we may all agree that both giving and taking away is Gods way of bringing glory to Him, nobody wants the latter. Nobody prays "Oh God, impoverish me and make my life hard..... " Even Jesus himself at Gethsemane prayed for for the cup to pass him, if possible. We all dread pain. God himself, manifested as man through Christ understood this well enough. And yet, the last line "yet not as I will, but as You will." makes all the difference.

Regardless of how we feel, we are always to pray for God's will to be done, not ours. And if God's will means he takes things away from us, it is something we must train our heart to obey.

See, unlike the world that wants and celebrates champions in their own right, God wants and celebrates the meek and downtrodden who learn how to live on His grace, Jehovah Jireh.

God will provide.

#29 Why So Hardcore Malaysia?

I don't know if you've heard about the whole Alvivi affair, on how they posted a picture of them wishing Muslims to break fast with Bak Kut Teh, full with the words "Wangi, Enak, Menyelerekan" and Halal logo next to it. No doubt it was probably meant as a joke. But it was perhaps a joke gone too far. Now, Alvin and Vivian are sitting in prison (having been denied bail) and awaiting trial in August. If found guilty, the face up to 15 years in jail. Can you imagine - 15 years in jail for a bad joke. Not so funny eh?

Popular sentiment seems to be that they deserve it. It's one thing for you to post sex pictures of yourself on the internet. But it's another to mock other people's beliefs.  Far from being ignorant and naive, it seems obvious that they knew exactly what they were doing. It was intentional. Do they deserve 15 years? I don't think so. But definitely, some punishment is due. The issue here isn't about freedom of speech. It is about being aware of other people's feelings. You are free to say what you want. But that also means you take responsibility of what you say, including the hurt and damage it causes to others.

But a brief note to the police and government - while you are at it preparing your charges against Alvivi, kindly also haul up and imprison those guys that stomped and threw a cow head into the Hindu temples a few years back too. Because that was no less insulting either. How come they just had to pay a fine? Oh, lets not forgot those guys who threw petrol bombs at churches too. If Alvin and Vivian deserve jail, so do they. In fact, they deserve much harsher punishments compared to Alvivi, because those were public and violent in nature. Furthermore, they were done in groups! Here you have Alvivi - lone ranger duo sitting in jail for a stupid joke they made while those organized group of extremist gets a slap on the wrist for being a naughty boy.

Here's the thing - since when did Malaysians become so hardcore? Why did Alvivi feel it was OK to make such a deliberate insult? Why did those guys feel justified throwing petrol bombs at churches. Why? Did stomping all the cow heads seem OK?

Since when did Malaysians have so little empathy for each other? Muslims the world over got angry at the Prophet Muhammad caricatures a few years ago. Surely they understood how it feels to have something holy to you be insulted. So why insult others in the same way? And Alvivi, surely they knew how sensitive these issues of Halal and Puasa are here in Malaysia. So why make such a joke? If you wanted attention, you sure got it now.

I don't remember Malaysians being this hardcore when I was growing up. It feels as if we have taken many step backwards as a society. I always felt that we were a progressive society. 'Moderate' was the term always thrown around when describing our country. But now, it seems Malaysians aren't as moderate anymore. Think of Bersih 1,2,3,4, the Lynas protest, the black parade. All those who went to the rallies wanted to make a statement. They wanted to be heard. But they felt that the ONLY way it would go through would be by doing something dramatic, something extreme before others will even start to listen them.

That's what it all boils down to doesn't it? Malaysian have forgotten how to listen. We don't know how to empathise with our neighbours any more. We don't feel like others understand us either. And so we feel compelled to make ourselves heard - in whatever way we can think of, like stomping on a cows head, throwing petrol bombs, marching in the thousands and even making inappropriate religious jokes on Facebook.

Alvin and Vivian do deserve punishment. But punishing them will not solve the problem. They aren't the problem. WE ARE. .Because we created them. They are the ugly product of our insensitivity.

In some ways, we are a mini little Arab spring in the making. People shouldn't feel the need to do something crazy just to be heard. Before that happens, we really need to start shutting our mouths a bit more and start listening to one another. How about that for a national reconciliation plan.

#28 Gone

Weeks since my last email to you, months since your last posting, even more months since I last heard from you at all.

I presume - you must be gone.

I guess we never got to say goodbye. But then again, we never got to say hello either. We remained strangers till the very end. I tried googling for you. I tried all sorts of key words, but couldn't find anything. All I have is your anonymous emails, a thumbnail picture of you, and a chat history where you told me your secrets.
Yes, that's how this all started didn't it? You read my secrets. And you invited me to read yours. And we became these two anonymous strangers who shared secrets with one another. You said you prefered the anonymity. You said it made you free to express yourself with no inhibitions. What I didn't tell you was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't get to know you more and more and still be kept at one corner like a stranger. You wanted me to be your anonymous confidant, your online lover, your boyfriend that you'd never meet. For many reasons, I couldn't do it. While it is true at the beginning that all I wanted was a scandal or fling, like I told you later, all I really wanted was to be your friend.

When you told me you were dying, I immediately asked to meet you. You said no. Instead you sent me a picture of you, with your real name. Maybe you thought it would just complicate your life even more. I respected that. But I hope you know, all I really wanted to do was to meet you and talk to you, even if just for a little while in person. I needed to see you in the flesh, so that this virtual friendship, short as it may be, could translate to reality.

Did you worry that I might try to make you fall for me? I wasn't going to. Did you worry that you'd fall for me anyway? You wouldn't have. I could tell that you were still in love with your ex lover. It was one of the things we shared in common after all.

Whatever it was, its over now. Thank you for what you shared with me, for telling me a bit of your life's story - your illness, your father, your lover. It is tragic that kind souls like you lived such short lives. You baffled me with you attachment to you ex, but you amazed me with you bravery in death.

I promised you back then that I'd remember you. Even if it's just a name and a thumbnail picture, I still intend to.

The silent sufferer,
selfless soul,
worry no more,
about the troubles of this world.

#27 Bad Dreams

Maybe I've been too engrossed with work. I had my first 'professional' nightmare last night. I dreamt that business was bad. That competitors came and scooped up orders from under our noses. I dreamt that former colleagues colluded with competitors and sold confidential information. Only these weren't really dreams. They were real life events from office. They were invading me even in my sleep.

I tossed and turned the rest of the night and by the time I woke up, I felt more tired than before I went to sleep.

I remember listening to people talking about how here in Asia, people's whole lives get consumed by their work. I never really thought much about it then. But without even realizing it, I have become the epitome of just that.

#26 Daddy To Be

It was the first time I had ever felt my hands trembling in such a way. I couldn’t be sure if it was out of fear, excitement or anxiety. But I held her hand to mind, leaned my head forward so that our foreheads touched, and we prayed.

“Thank you Lord. Thank you for answering our prayers. Thank you for showing us that you are a God that listens to his people. Thank you for this blessing. Thank you for this child that you have given us…”

I’m about to become a father.

Ever since the day we found out, my other hand has surely but steadily been showing stronger symptoms of pregnancy. We haven’t gone to the doctors for a first consultation yet. Hopefully all we go well. All this uncertainty has been quite nerve wrecking. We went to the bookshop to buy a few books on pregnancy. She picked one book – What To Expect When You are Expecting. It’s comprehensive, detailed and really something all first time mothers should read. Truly a good book. Me? In typical fashion I picked an equally good one – Pregnancy For Dummies. It’s simple, easily digestible, and really something all first time all dummies fathers need to read.

“How do you feel now?” my wife asked me the other day.

“Normal I guess… “ I replied.

“Maybe you’ll feell more anxious when the bump starts to show?” she asked.

As if I wasn’t anxious enough as it is.

I have been anxious lately. Not just about the pregnancy. But also about parenthood. Now that the initial excitement is over, I find myself having to plan for a the arrival of a tiny little human being that will depend on me for the next 18 (or so) years for food, shelter, education and nappy changes.

My thoughts turn to my own parents for guidance. But my father has moved to the Philippines to live his own life, and my mother is sitting in the psychiatric ward.  It does feel like my wife and I are going to have to just wing it.

Will we be good parents? Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this? Will we be able to manage? Will there be enough? Do we know how to teach our children? Will they be sick? Will they inherit any medical problems? I guess I’ll just have to find out over time.

We went to the doctors office a few days after we found out. After a few minutes of chatting, we proceeded to do the ultrasound.

Looking at the monitor, the doctor was describing to us what this little dot and that little dot was. The baby had a heart now, and it was beating. He turned up the volume on the scanner, and for the first time in my life I heard the heartbeat of my own flesh and blood. It was then that reality hit me with all its might.

I’m about to be a father. 

#25 An Admission

I admitted my mother into hospital today.

It broke my heart looking into her eyes - sensing the sense of fear, disappointment and betrayal as she looked silently at me. Maybe she knew it was inevitable. Maybe she hoped we wouldn’t do it. Maybe she trusted that we wouldn’t. But we did. We walked her down the long corridor, up the stairs and into the psychiatric ward – a place she vowed she never ever wanted to come to again.

It can be very hard caring for a mother with schizophrenia. Mental illness is not something most people readily understand like diabetes, cancer or heart diseases. It is an invisible illness that shadows the sufferer and their family at all times. Even when medication is taken and all is normal, the effects of the illness is ever present. The sufferer and their family are acutely aware of it at all times. Side effects from the medication manifest – twitching, restlessness, involuntary movements, inability to concentrate, dullness, inattentiveness – all oddities of behavior to the untrained eyed. But to the sufferer and their families, it is an ever reminder that psychiatric drugs are at work.

My mother was admitted today because she went into a relapse. She had not bathed herself for days. She had not been sleeping well, eating properly or talking normally. She couldn’t hold a proper conversation, had unexplained and erratic mood swings and had severe flight of thoughts. We tried giving her the medication in the doses the doctor recommended, but she started fighting it. At our wits end, we brought her to the doctors. Admission was the most expected outcome.

Driving from the hospital, I said a prayer to God. I prayed that God would protect her, heal her and soften her heart. I understood my mother. I understood why she had been secretly skipping on the medication. She wanted to be well. She believed that she was well. Taking medication and having to deal with the side effects is hard for her, both personally and publicly. Gazes from strangers – even those from church  - can be surprisingly harsh. She believes that she doesn’t really need the doses that the doctor prescribes. If she could only see the state she was in at this moment.

I hope she will forgive me and my brother for what we did today. Though we know and believe what we did was right, and ultimately for her own good, she will probably not feel the same. She would probably be very hurt by what we did, thinking this was our way of just trying to ‘get rid of the problem’ and doing what was most convenient to us. Hopefully one day she would know just how difficult it was for us, or how much it hurt us too. No child enjoys the thought of their mother sitting alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by even more mentally ill patients.

Come home soon ma. Please believe me when I say – we love you.