#25 An Admission

I admitted my mother into hospital today.

It broke my heart looking into her eyes - sensing the sense of fear, disappointment and betrayal as she looked silently at me. Maybe she knew it was inevitable. Maybe she hoped we wouldn’t do it. Maybe she trusted that we wouldn’t. But we did. We walked her down the long corridor, up the stairs and into the psychiatric ward – a place she vowed she never ever wanted to come to again.

It can be very hard caring for a mother with schizophrenia. Mental illness is not something most people readily understand like diabetes, cancer or heart diseases. It is an invisible illness that shadows the sufferer and their family at all times. Even when medication is taken and all is normal, the effects of the illness is ever present. The sufferer and their family are acutely aware of it at all times. Side effects from the medication manifest – twitching, restlessness, involuntary movements, inability to concentrate, dullness, inattentiveness – all oddities of behavior to the untrained eyed. But to the sufferer and their families, it is an ever reminder that psychiatric drugs are at work.

My mother was admitted today because she went into a relapse. She had not bathed herself for days. She had not been sleeping well, eating properly or talking normally. She couldn’t hold a proper conversation, had unexplained and erratic mood swings and had severe flight of thoughts. We tried giving her the medication in the doses the doctor recommended, but she started fighting it. At our wits end, we brought her to the doctors. Admission was the most expected outcome.

Driving from the hospital, I said a prayer to God. I prayed that God would protect her, heal her and soften her heart. I understood my mother. I understood why she had been secretly skipping on the medication. She wanted to be well. She believed that she was well. Taking medication and having to deal with the side effects is hard for her, both personally and publicly. Gazes from strangers – even those from church  - can be surprisingly harsh. She believes that she doesn’t really need the doses that the doctor prescribes. If she could only see the state she was in at this moment.

I hope she will forgive me and my brother for what we did today. Though we know and believe what we did was right, and ultimately for her own good, she will probably not feel the same. She would probably be very hurt by what we did, thinking this was our way of just trying to ‘get rid of the problem’ and doing what was most convenient to us. Hopefully one day she would know just how difficult it was for us, or how much it hurt us too. No child enjoys the thought of their mother sitting alone in a hospital bed, surrounded by even more mentally ill patients.

Come home soon ma. Please believe me when I say – we love you. 

#24 Dear PM

Dear Prime Minister,

I'd like to tell you - I voted for you.

No, not for you personally in your constituency. But your constituency candidate where I was part of in GE13.  I did this despite the fact that the Opposition candidate actually seemed more appealing to me. I did this despite the fact that almost every single person I spoke to (including my family) were telling me to do otherwise - saying it was time for change, it was time to show the government that they can't just do what they like without suffering the wrath of the people. I did this despite being confronted with countless examples of corruption and poor governance by the government. Yes, at the risk of being called a fool, I voted for you.

See, unlike everyone else in the demographic group that I belong to, I wanted to give you a chance to make good of all the 'janji ditepati' posters you've been slapping all over town. Most people I know are cynical of your ability or even intention of keeping those promises. They tell me that even if you wanted to make progressive reforms, your party people will never allow it - not with the millions of dollars at stake for them. They say you curry favor and support by splashing money and opportunity at them.

Honestly, I'm sick and tired of all the political coffee shop talk that's been going on the past few months. I'm sick and tired of hearing about phantom Bangladeshi voters, I'm sick of hearing about corruption charges. I'm sick of countless mass rallies calling for 'ubah', touting 'ini kalilah' when in fact, 'kali in sudah lepas'. It seemed like many people my age were supporting opposition simply because all their friends were doing so. To do otherwise would risk being shunned and ridiculed.

It was my feeling that many people were calling for change just for the sake of change. Ubah can.. but ubah to what? Where is your roadmap? Where is you policy and plan? How is it better than the government's? Who is your proposed cabinet line up? It was my deep suspicion that the top leader(s) of the opposition were charismatic smooth talkers more than anything else. Abolish toll? Free education? Great! But they conveniently left out how this was going to be achieved without driving up deficit, how toll companies will have to be compensated to break the contract, how income tax would probably go up if education is fully government funded. I was not given any solid, well grounded, level headed reason for why I should vote opposition. All I got was a lot of rhetoric and hot heads make sweeping statements that basically go "Bloody government corrupt. Steal the people's money for themselves and screwing the country." It felt more like people just wanted to vote against the government, rather than vote for opposition. I understand why people are angry. Public office should be about serving the people, not about money and power. But Malaysian politics have become all about money and power. And you, the BN who have been in power since independence must take responsibility for that.

You must reform the government to be more accountable - no awarding of jobs to your own people, no inside deal on government contracts. You must strengthen public institutions - Election Commission (EC), Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC), Courts and the Media must be given full and genuine autonomy to carry out their roles. You must stop drawing racial lines among the peoples of Malaysia - as peaceful and prosperous as we are, we are still being polarized by race. Why is Utusan putting racial headlines and getting away with it?  My constituency was majority Malay, but the candidate you chose (a Malay) still lost to the opposition candidate, (a Chinese) What Chinese Tsunami? Why not middle class Tsunami? There can be no place for racist policies or practices in government and public office. Long lasting social change comes from top down, not bottom up. If even the government condones racism, then surely the man on the street will never change.

Dear Prime Minister,

I dislike all these street protest and mass rallies going on. I doubt the intentions of the leaders going up on stage preaching to the crowd, telling everybody exactly what they want to hear, all in the name of gaining political mileage. They are like wolf in sheep's clothing to me. But I do not doubt the hundred of thousands of ordinary Malaysians who decide to go to such rallies. I do not doubt the 5.486 million Malaysians who voted opposition. They have a right to exercise their opinion. And they certainly have a right to demand a clean government. You see, I want change just as much as they do. I want justice, transparency and integrity in government just as much as they do. It is what all Malaysians want. The only difference is, they don't think it can come from you. I still hope it can. That is why I voted for you. People tell me I am wrong. People tell me I am naive.

But you now have four years to prove me right.

Please make good use of it.