But I remember standing there in that church 2 years ago, watching my bride walk down the aisle. I was ready to marry and commit my life to this woman. But having a baby and becoming a father; now that was another story. In our private moment, I had told her "Give me a year." I could feel that I needed time. It just felt like I had made a great big leap into marriage. I didn't felt anywhere near ready for fatherhood. I knew I want to be a great dad, but I didn't feel like I 'qualified' yet. Great fathers are often great men. And I didn't feel so great.
I always remember a line from Mitch Albom's book Have A Little Faith.
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
Until I felt more ready, I didn't really want to risk shattering any childhoods.
My other half was more than ready of course. It just amazes me how some women have such strong maternal instincts. I watch as so many of my friends turn from hot babes to hot mama's. The transition seems so natural to them. The minute the baby is put in their hands, it's as if long dormant instinct automatically kicks in. They cuddle and care for the child (even the ones that aren't theirs) with such ease and tenderness.
On the other hand, there I was always holding their baby in the most awkward manner. I'm not one of those guys good with children or baby. Children annoy me because they tend to be noisy little rascals. Babies scare me because I feel like I might accidentally break their neck while holding them. I guess something about Mitch Albom's analogy about youth and shattered glass just made me all the more nervous around infants.
But the other day, on one of those rare days that I was actually on Facebook looking at feeds, I started looking at photos of some of my friends babies. I know that sounds perfectly normal to a woman. But for a guy like me, it's rare. I find it more annoying than adorable when parents post infinite amount of photos of their babies all the time. But anyway, I looked. And couldn't help but notice how the little girl had her mothers beautiful eyes. Unfortunately, she had her fathers ugly nose too.
And then I smiled. I caught myself looking at this child with a sense of adoration that I wasn't quite unfamiliar with. Her little squinty eyes staring earnestly, her thumbs the size of my pinky. I am smiling looking at a baby? Really? Me? It was at that moment that I realized - I am ready. Not in my head, but in my heart. Suddenly the thought of carrying a little mini me around town with a prem and a bag full of diapers doesn't quite irk me the way it used to. I realized very slowly that there is great joy in living a life that involves committing yourself to something greater than yourself. That there is great meaning and happiness when you devote your time and energy for the betterment of someone else's life. That meaning and happiness is amplified even more when that someone else turns out to be none other than your own flesh and blood - your child. Loving a child is equivalent to completely loving another person and loving yourself at the same time. When thought of it that way, I suddenly find the devotion parents show their children to be so natural, expected even.
I still don't feel like I'm well prepared to be a father, but I guess I'll just have to improvise my way to being an awesome dad. If I screw up the first one.... well... I can always make another one. :-P
Hopefully, with God's grace we won't have to wait too long.
Cheers everyone.
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