#37 of late

Dear friend, 

It's been a while. Sorry that I have not been keeping in touch. I could give you a whole range of reasons why - but the truth is, it simply hasn't been on my mind. 

What's new? Oh, nothing much. Managed to finish reading a few good books, met up with some old friends. Oh yes, I have a son now. How about that for a life changer eh? I named him Jonathan. He's a handsome little boy. Has his mothers eyes. I've never been particularly fond of babies. I've been known to call babies ugly or uncute when I see one. I call it being honest. Others call it being mean. But when I look at him, my son, I swear - he's the most beautiful thing I've ever set my eyes upon. It's probably a parent's bias, but seriously, he's the cutest boy on earth. Jen tells me she's seeing a whole new side of me she's never seen before. I think she likes making me change diapers. 

I realize that babies have a certain effect on people. People are drawn to babies. It makes them smile and warms their heart just gazing upon a baby. Every time one of my friends holds our newborn, a certain tenderness can be seen in their eyes. A nurturing, loving attitude automatically comes forth when a baby is in your arms. Personally, I start to understand first hand what it means to have a father's heart. I feel in my own heart, the kind of love that you heart people say parents have for their children. When I stare into his eyes and see him staring back into mine with not so much as a blink, my heart melts. Staring at you is pure innocence, in the form of your own flesh and blood. I know there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect this child. Maybe that's what Jen sees when I'm holding him in my arms. 

Another things I have noticed. With the arrival of Jonathan, some friends have become closer to us, while others seem to become more distant. I cannot say why this is so. Only that it is. Some friends visited or called immediately, eager to catch up on all the details, share in the joy and shower the little one with all sorts of gifts. But others seem to deliberately stay away or distance themselves. Even some that I used to consider close and intimate friends - stay far far away, extending nothing more than a one line facebook comment. It makes me sad it a way. I've never been one to have many friends. The few that I have, I try to cherish. You invest time, effort and care into the friendship, hoping that it builds into something meaningful and lasting. But not all reciprocate it. Honestly, I do feel used sometimes. People like seeking me out when they have problems. They share with me, perhaps hoping that I would be able to give them some sort of insight to help them. For the most part, I love listening and caring for them. It makes me feel close, wanted and cherished by them. I never want them to stop sharing with me. But sometimes, just sometimes - I wish they'd look for me, not just when they have problems, but also when they have some joy to share. I want to be your friend, not your on call counsellor. 

Anyway, enough from me for now dear friend. I started writing a letter to my son - things my heart is bursting to tell him whenever I look into his innocent eyes.. It's unfinished. It's been taking me longer that I expected. But I'll let you read it when its ready. 

#36 Same Old Lang Syne

I'm such a sucker for sentimental stuff. I stumbled upon this song recently and couldn't stop listening to it.

I think its the combination of (what I think) is well written lyrics, nostalgia and a heart felt chorus.

The whole song is in the form of a narration is beautiful and I really love the chorus  "We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now, and tried to reach beyond the emptiness, but neither one knew how. It was written by the author based on actual experience.

 I hope you enjoy the song as much as I do.

#35 Daddyhood Doubts

Many people have asked me how I feel now that I am on the brink of fatherhood. These 9 months have flown by in what seems like both an eternity and a blink of an eye.  I must say honestly, I’m not really sure. There is a mix of joy and anxiety, happiness and fear. Last night sitting there with my wife, I realized that this would be the last few times we could sit like this - peaceful and quiet, just the two of us. By next week, everything will be different.

A little baby will be born into this world. Half me, half her. Will he have my eyes? Will he have her nose? Will he be serious like me, or cheerful like her? Will he be obedient and gentle? Or will he be willful and loud? It feels exciting waiting for all these things to unfold.  Many couples have said they spend hours staring at their firstborns with love and wonder. I joked with my wife – we’d probably be no different. All parents think their child is possibly the cutest baby ever to be born on earth. Obviously, they haven’t seen ours yet.  

Thinking about my impending fatherhood has made me think a lot about my own father and my relationship with him. Now that I am older, I see many of the strengths and flaws that had made my father who is, and how that affected me. I used to think the world of my father when I was young. He was charming, well spoken, and witty and seemed infinitely wiser. In many of the things that happened to our family, I always felt that it was other people – the bad guys – that did this things to us. I saw my father as a benevolent, noble character. When I grew a bit older, I realized that my father wasn’t as innocent as I first thought. He did things that were less than noble. He cheated, he lied and he abused. I resented him and blamed him for all the heartache we faced growing up.

And then I grew up some more and learned a bit more – things aren’t always so simple. My father wasn’t noble, nor was he evil. He was flawed, along with everyone around him. The world is broken - things don’t work the way they should, people don’t behave the way they should. As much as we try to do the good that is in us, we fail. It didn’t take away or excuse him from all the wrong that he did in his life, but it did take away whatever anger I felt towards him. In fact, the more mistakes I made it my own life, the more reluctant I became to pass any judgment on him.

Many of his strengths I hope to replicate with my son. Many of his flaws, I see in myself - and I fear how it will affect my son. Am I up to the task? Will I be a good father? Will I make the same mistakes my father did? Or will I do worse? Will I have the wisdom to raise this child well?

 Can a man who doubts his own goodness raise a child to be a good man? 

#34 This Christmas

It felt strange watching my cousin cry. I had never seen it before. For all the years that I have known him, I had never seen him openly show so much love and affection to his mother like this, now that she was dying. He stroked her cheeks, talking to her, trying to explain to her that we were there to visit.

Just weeks earlier, I had stood by my aunts side watching her cry as she lamented to my father about how she couldn’t use her left hand anymore. Now she couldn’t walk, talk or eat. The cancer in her brain had done its worst in the last few weeks.

A few feet away, sat my wife heavily pregnant with our son. It’s just a matter of weeks before she’s due for labor. My cousin tells me it’d be a great achievement if my aunt could even make it to the New Year. He and his brother have made all the necessary funeral arrangements the weekend before. The same weekend I was busy setting up the baby cot in my room.

My father stayed silent the entire time. He had talked for many weeks about wanting to visit my aunt. But he never did until now. He said his feet and heart were heavy. He said it was hard for him to take what was going on around him. The last time we visited her, he wept silently in the back seat of the car. I made a remark to him - he seemed a lot sadder this time compared to when my grandmother was dying. Perhaps more than my aunts’ life, he was thinking about his own. He had been a very pensive mood of late. Just because we are all destined to die doesn’t make it any easier to take.

I had spent the previous Sunday night talking to my mother for hours. I found out that she too was fearful for her life. She said she wanted to live well past her sixties, but the medication we were making her to take was killing her – so she claims. She wants to move away, live on her own, get a job if possible and taper off her medicine. Her children could not be trusted to take care of her she felt. It hurt a lot to hear those words. Even if I didn’t agree with it, I had to respect that this is how she felt. And so I kept my silence.

After the visit, my brother came up to me and said “I’ve always been very bad at these things…I can never find the right things to say”.

I said to him “I don’t think there ever is a right thing to say in such times. I think being there itself speaks for itself.”

It is very likely that the next time I see my aunt, she will be laying not on a bed but in a coffin.

If that sounds awfully harsh and blunt, it is only because death is like that too. It comes when and how it chooses to. Sometimes slowly like a tree withering away, sometimes abruptly like a trap door under you. Either way, it comes, and there is no refusing.

It’s days away from Christmas. Churches gear up for celebrations, families prepare hearty dinners and people exchange gifts with one another enthusiastically. I find myself in a cocktail of feelings. Sad over the ending of one life, and happy over the start of another. And the rest of us, squarely in between.

Thank you God for the gift of Christmas. It Christ we have mercy unsurpassed, hope everlasting, love supreme. May the world be reminded of this on Christmas day.

Merry Christmas everyone.

#33 A Prayer

Father God,

Please help me. Save me from my sins.  Too many days have I woke up, feeling like I'm running against the wind. Too many days have I woke up knowing how powerless I am against my own body. Too many days have I done the things I don't want to do - yet cannot help but do. I am a slave to my own body. I am a slave to my own heart. Free me God from my chains. Change my heart and give me a new one - one that obeys when I command it. 

And if you will not grant that to me Lord, then lead me away, far away from temptations for which I am powerless to resist. If my heart cannot obey, then grant my feet a mind of its own - that it may flee away from evil and into your arms, even as the body resist. 

The more I try to take control, the more out of control I become. Take control oh Lord. Control me and steer me away from the path of destruction. The more this world gives me, the less I desire You. Take it all away Lord, if you so desire. Take it away if by doing so I can be saved. I do not deserve half the things you have blessed me with in this life.

Forgive me God. Have mercy on me and my family. Punish them not for my sins. Protect them from the evils of this world and the evil that resides in me. Do not withhold your grace or blessings from them because of my transgressions. 

Only you have to power and grace to forgive. Answer my prayer oh Lord. Glory be to you Almighty. 

In Jesus Christ I pray - Amen

#32 Impending Fatherhood

I have been asked many times if the reality of impending fatherhood has finally set in for me.

I suppose it has in some ways, but also not quite in others.

My life isn't really THAT different today compared to when we first heard the good news. I go to work at the same time, I come home the same time, I do the same things, I visit the same places and I see the same people. The only real difference is the occasional visit the the doctors, and of course the constant reminders from other people about all the things I need to do for the coming of the baby.

I know in my head that fatherhood is coming, but as my wife pointed out - the full reality of it probably won't sink in until I'm holding the baby in my arms. I learned somewhere that when a father holds his baby for the very first time, he unconsciously but instinctively looks for features of the child that resembles him. A very primitive way for a father to verify that it is indeed his offspring. Moms don't do this because, well.... it freaking came out of her belly so of course it's hers.

But there have been a few moments where things really sink in, where I felt my heart soften and become overwhelmed with a sense of warmth and expectation.

One of it was when I went for the first ultrasound examination when the baby was just 8 weeks old. Of course I had no idea what I was staring at on the screen, but as the doctor finally started to point out the heart - I felt it. I starred in silence and awe at that tiny little heart, not even the size of a peanut - and it was beating. It was alive and it was part of me. Over the next few months, I continued feeling awestruck every time I looked at the ultrasound screen, watching the baby grow bigger and bigger at amazing rate.

Then one day while I was still overseas, I got a text from my wife "I felt the baby kick today. So cute. I think he misses you too.. :) " At that moment too - I felt it. I'm pretty sure the baby didn't really miss me. But it was a sweet thought from her, and a notion I was more than happy to accept.

Am I ready to be a father? Can't say I am. I guess I'll get there eventually. I do have 4 more months to prepare!

Cheers!

#31 When Sin Lets Us Alone

When sin lets us alone we may let sin alone; but as sin is never less quiet than when it seems to be most quiet, and its waters are for the most part deep when they are still, so ought our contrivances against it to be vigorous at all times and in all. - John Owen