Many people have asked me how I feel now that I am on the brink of
fatherhood. These 9 months have flown by in what seems like both an eternity
and a blink of an eye. I must say
honestly, I’m not really sure. There is a mix of joy and anxiety, happiness and
fear. Last night sitting there with my wife, I realized that this would be the
last few times we could sit like this - peaceful and quiet, just the two of us.
By next week, everything will be different.
A little baby will be born into this world. Half me, half her. Will he
have my eyes? Will he have her nose? Will he be serious like me, or cheerful
like her? Will he be obedient and gentle? Or will he be willful and loud? It
feels exciting waiting for all these things to unfold. Many couples have said they spend hours
staring at their firstborns with love and wonder. I joked with my wife – we’d
probably be no different. All parents think their child is possibly the cutest
baby ever to be born on earth. Obviously, they haven’t seen ours yet.
Thinking about my impending fatherhood has made me think a lot about my
own father and my relationship with him. Now that I am older, I see many of the
strengths and flaws that had made my father who is, and how that affected me. I
used to think the world of my father when I was young. He was charming, well
spoken, and witty and seemed infinitely wiser. In many of the things that
happened to our family, I always felt that it was other people – the bad guys –
that did this things to us. I saw my father as a benevolent, noble character. When
I grew a bit older, I realized that my father wasn’t as innocent as I first
thought. He did things that were less than noble. He cheated, he lied and he
abused. I resented him and blamed him for all the heartache we faced growing up.
And then I grew up some more and learned a bit more – things aren’t
always so simple. My father wasn’t noble, nor was he evil. He was flawed, along
with everyone around him. The world is broken - things don’t work the way they
should, people don’t behave the way they should. As much as we try to do the
good that is in us, we fail. It didn’t take away or excuse him from all the wrong
that he did in his life, but it did take away whatever anger I felt towards
him. In fact, the more mistakes I made it my own life, the more reluctant I
became to pass any judgment on him.
Many of his strengths I hope to replicate with my son. Many of his
flaws, I see in myself - and I fear how it will affect my son. Am I up to the
task? Will I be a good father? Will I make the same mistakes my father did? Or
will I do worse? Will I have the wisdom to raise this child well?
Can a man who doubts his own
goodness raise a child to be a good man?
