It was the first time I had ever felt my hands trembling in such a way.
I couldn’t be sure if it was out of fear, excitement or anxiety. But I held her
hand to mind, leaned my head forward so that our foreheads touched, and we
prayed.
“Thank you Lord. Thank you for answering our prayers. Thank you for
showing us that you are a God that listens to his people. Thank you for this
blessing. Thank you for this child that you have given us…”
I’m about to become a father.
Ever since the day we found out, my other hand has surely but steadily
been showing stronger symptoms of pregnancy. We haven’t gone to the doctors for
a first consultation yet. Hopefully all we go well. All this uncertainty has
been quite nerve wrecking. We went to the bookshop to buy a few books on pregnancy.
She picked one book – What To Expect When You are Expecting. It’s
comprehensive, detailed and really something all first time mothers should
read. Truly a good book. Me? In typical fashion I picked an equally good one –
Pregnancy For Dummies. It’s simple, easily digestible, and really something all
first time all dummies fathers need to read.
“How do you feel now?” my wife asked me the other day.
“Normal I guess… “ I replied.
“Maybe you’ll feell more anxious when the bump starts to show?” she
asked.
As if I wasn’t anxious enough as it is.
I have been anxious lately. Not just about the pregnancy. But also
about parenthood. Now that the initial excitement is over, I find myself having
to plan for a the arrival of a tiny little human being that will depend on me
for the next 18 (or so) years for food, shelter, education and nappy changes.
My thoughts turn to my own parents for guidance. But my father has
moved to the Philippines to live his own life, and my mother is sitting in the
psychiatric ward. It does feel like my
wife and I are going to have to just wing it.
Will we be good parents? Will I be a good father? Am I ready for this?
Will we be able to manage? Will there be enough? Do we know how to teach our children?
Will they be sick? Will they inherit any medical problems? I guess I’ll just
have to find out over time.
We went to the doctors office a few days after we found out. After a
few minutes of chatting, we proceeded to do the ultrasound.
Looking at the monitor, the doctor was describing to us what this
little dot and that little dot was. The baby had a heart now, and it was
beating. He turned up the volume on the scanner, and for the first time in my
life I heard the heartbeat of my own flesh and blood. It was then that reality
hit me with all its might.
I’m about to be a father.
