What makes a man a man instead of a boy? Where and how does a boy start
becoming a man? More importantly, what does it mean to be a man anyway?
Someone confided some issues with me recently. Someone younger than me
struggling with having to live up to certain expectations from his girlfriend
about the above. More plainly, she cast doubts over his
ability to provide security, money and leadership in their relationship in the
coming years. In his current job, and the way he behaves now, she told him
plainly that he needed to learn how to become more of a man before she could
feel secure in his arms.
Harsh words to hear indeed, especially for someone not even 25 years of
age.
But I could guess what the girlfriend was getting at. She’s a young
woman, and she was telling him she needed him to be her guide, her pillar of
strength, her refuge. Not the other way around. In her own words, she needed
him to be more of a man, not a boy. But this dear brother of mine is young too.
The weight of expectation loomed heavily on him.
It’s a funny paradox – that women complain about not finding Mr. Right,
and men complain about being labeled Mr. Wrong. One is trying to look out for
the right man; the other is trying to live up to being the right man.
So, again, what does it mean to be a man anyway?
I remember many years back when the term ‘metrosexual’ was all the
rage. Good looking, well dressed, fashion savvy men who aren’t shy of getting
pedicures or facials were what was being touted as the ‘modern man’. Thank God those
dark times have passed.
But a few quirky things I observe about women and their requirements –
they usually want their partner to be someone taller, smarter, older, richer or
simply more established in life. Someone they can look up to, ask for advice,
or seek wisdom from and most importantly, someone they can rely on.
Notice the word is ‘can’, and not ‘must’. Women themselves are a
paradox, if I dare say so. They want a man to rely on, but they don’t want to
have to rely on him. They want to be treated like a woman, but still pampered
like a girl. They want to be led by a man, but not dominated by him. They
willingly defer to their man for a decision, but want their input duly considered.
Simply, women want to be both an empowered feminist and a pampered princess at
the same time, or at least something in between. A man who can comprehend all
this (without their brains exploding) and maintain this balance will win the
love and respect of said woman.
Their lies one of man’s greatest challenge – making a woman happy. Landing
on the moon seemed a more straightforward task than figuring out this age old
question.
If you are a lady, and you are reading this, please realize that men grow
into the roles they end up playing in life. We aren’t born with an innate
knowledge of how to chart out a successful career just as we graduate, we do
not automatically understand the female psyche and how to keep you happy, and
we certainly cannot differentiate if you are really pissed off or just having
PMS. We are not born with strong leadership qualities and we don’t necessarily
mature in proportion to our age. But we try. We try because we love you enough
to want to change for you, even if it means quitting smoking or
wearing fresh underwear every day. Despite whatever we do or say, all men want
their women to be happy. All men want to feel that they are good enough to be
the man their woman deserves. There is a saying that behind every successful
man there is a woman. How true. Men often become men for the sake of the woman
they love. To borrow from Gary Barlow’s Forever Love – how can I reason with
the reason I am a man?
On the other hand, if you are a man, please realize that at its most
basic, being a man isn’t too hard. You protect and you provide. A man only becomes a man when he has more
than himself to look after. In other words, a boy takes care of himself. A man
take care of others. This starts with your family, then later your partner. But
in essence, a man will shield and protect any person around him weaker than
himself. That’s your job thousands of years ago in the cave. It still is today.
You are also a man when your start providing for the people you are
protecting above. A few thousand years ago, this consisted mainly of just
providing food. But in today’s age, this comes in the forms of physical
protection (bodyguard), money (banker), logistics (driver), household maintenance
(janitor), sanitary services (take out the rubbish), emotional support
(psychologist), or other assorted tasks as the need arises. It doesn’t sound
(nor feel) glamourous doing all this things, and very rarely in your life will
anyone ever come up to you and say “You’re such a good man for taking out the
rubbish.”, but rest assured, women appreciate the things you do for them. They don’t
start loving you the day they think you have become a man. They love you for
the man you slowly become.
A lot of times, I think men tend to get the idea that being a man is
primarily about leadership. We make the association that a good man is a
successful man vice versa. This pressure to succeed, and to succeed quickly is
what this person was feeling. This, in his mind, was what it meant to be a man.
But it’s not your position in life that defines you. It’s true that a
woman would feel more secure in the arms of a man well into his prime. But
position, power and wealth are all temporary. Fortunes are made and loss
quickly. More important that your position is your direction. It’s more important
that you are heading the right way than being in the right place. Great leaders
are followed even to the ends of the earth because those who follow them have
faith in them – that regardless of where they are at that point in time, their
leader will steers them to a better place. Similarly, a woman will follow a
man, even a poor penniless one, if she has faith that together, he can steer
her life in a way she could never do on her own.
Have patience. Be resilient. Seek wisdom through God. God never
promised that you will get all that you want. But he did promise you will get
all you need. You will grow into the man you were meant to be.
It just takes time.
